According To ESPN, A Soccer Team Performed Like “A Male Teenage Virgin”

  • Matt Rudnitsky

Tottenham Hotspur defeated Aston Villa 4-0 today, and as usual, ESPN Soccernet had coverage. However, Dan Fitch’s post-match commentary, “Why Spurs could be special in 2013,” was far from usual Soccernet coverage. He made analogies, and the reader was made uncomfortable.

In the first-half, Tottenham resembled a male teenage virgin who has a girl in the palm of his hand but can’t summon the courage or conviction to make the killer move that will see them over the line.

Seems like someone is carrying regrets from adolescence!

Then, one goal later and Spurs are suddenly notching them up like an in-prime Rod Stewart once racked up blondes.

That is … outdated. C’mon, you coulda said Ryan Gosling! You’d be like one step away from being on NBA Countdown!

There’s no malice here, but apparently, editors had second thoughts and removed these oddities after Deadspin pointed them out. Then again, they probably could’ve guessed beforehand that the writer, a self-proclaimed “Typing Whore,” whose “Greatest Hit” was “When Sport and Porn Collide” would make a sex joke.

Also, if my math is correct, this means “an in-prime Rod Stewart once racked up” three blondes. That is now public record.

[Deadspin; photo via]