Anonymous NFL Player To Daily News: “This Is How You Handle Groupies And Mistresses”

  • Dan Fogarty

An anonymous former NFL player has written a guest column in the New York Daily News today that gives detailed instructions to current players about how to deal with women on the side. In terms of how-to guides, it really doesn’t get any more gentlemanly than this.

Here are some of the notable quotes from this gem of a piece (that was almost overlooked on a day dominated by soccer). I’ve organized them into four helpful rules of thumb for young and naive NFL players.

Rule number one: treat groupies classy-like.

Most NFL guys have women and groupies. We just don’t get caught, because we treat our extra women with a certain amount of compassion and humility.

In general, players want a great night, or a booty call, or just a chick on the side, and as long as we don’t treat these women like second-rate citizens, it usually works out fine.

Rule number two: it ain’t trickin’ if you got it (The Tiger Rule).

[If] a woman is “there” for a player late nights, and she keeps what’s going on in the conversations and the relationship private, she should be rewarded. I’m not saying you take them to a steak dinner on a Saturday night, but little gifts here and there show appreciation. Think watches and dresses, maybe some cash.

Not to bring up old stuff, but this is one of the things that tripped up Tiger: His inability to give his women money or financial support in some small way.

Rule number three, if you’re a single player: don’t get emotionally attached to a groupie.

Even then, other issues crop up, because of the infamous double standard players have, that we can have multiple partners but the women cannot. It’s supposed to be on the woman to decide if she’s going to deal with one player or a few, and we’ve got to be fine with that, or else be labeled “Captain Save-a-Ho” in the locker room.

Rule number four, if you’re married: get a wife that will understand your whorish ways.

But where it’s real tricky is for the married ballers, who need to have the mentality “I will get caught.” With that in mind, you have to ask yourself, “Is my woman strong enough to stay with me in the aftermath?” Or “smart enough to look past it and not hold it against me?” Because if she’s neither of those things, we’re in trouble.

All in all, a fantastic read, and one that should be handed out at the NFL rookie symposium every year (along with a books-on-tape version narrated by Kat Williams). Get Roger Goodell on the phone!

[The Daily News]