Every week, our patently undramatic friend Sarah has bravely agreed to recap Basketball Wives, quite possibly the most dramatic human drama of our time. Her previous recaps can be found here.
Tensions were high between the Basketball Wives this week, but what else is new? These conflicts set the tone for the upcoming trip to Tahiti, which is surely going to end in murder or, if you ask Suzie, cannibalization.
When You Talk Too Much, You Stir The Pot
Evelyn Lozada and her boundary-less assistant Nia Crooks are furious to learn that Jennifer William plans to sue Nia after the slap-fight at the racetrack last week. This is a huge violation of the Code Of The Basketball Wives, which states “I smacked you, you should have dealt with that shit then, and that’s it!” (Subsection A: “When you talk too much, you stir the pot, and people want to fuck you up.”)
Tami agrees that this is not the best way to handle the situation, but also has no plans to give up her friendship with Jennifer. She still wants Jennifer to come on the trip to Tahiti, since “it’s part of a tradition.” I have no idea what kind of tradition she’s talking about, unless it’s the one where the entire cast of a reality TV show goes on vacation together, even though no one likes anybody else.
Later, Jennifer tells Suzie Ketcham and Kenya Bell (who, with the kabuki eye makeup she’s wearing these days, is starting to look truly insane) that she has no plans to drop the charges against Nia. “This was supposed to be a sisterhood,” she complains, “basketball brought us together.” I’m pretty sure it was Shaunie O’Neal who brought you together, but that works too.
Dance Lessons, Mammograms, and Serial Dating
Tami Roman took her two daughters to a dance studio so that Royce Reed could give them a lesson, because Tami has a bizarre, stage mom-esque dream of turning them both into pop stars. I hope they’re still going to regular school. They all seem very close (even Tami’s mom Nadine shows up for the lesson), but it’s very weird that Tami views her kids as her very own Making The Band franchise. Tami and Evelyn also go get mammograms together, since they’re getting older and Evelyn has never had one before. “Oh child, this is going to be a mess,” Tami predicts, and compares the feeling of a mammogram to having one’s weave pulled aggressively during sex. Evelyn is just worried about her implants exploding. Spoiler alert: everything turns out fine, and Evelyn vows to make her fiancé Chad Ochocinco do her breast exams from now on.
Royce, who has been in the background for the past few weeks, helpfully offers her services as a dance teacher to Tami’s daughters, and her boyfriend Dezmon Briscoe stops by the studio, giving Tami the chance to meet him.
“Royce is absolutely smitten with this dude, she makes me SICK!” Tami says in an interview. At the studio she makes Dezmon turn in a circle while she gives him a once-over. “Dezmon, you cute,” she flirts. “Have you heard the saying ‘Once you go old, you never go cold’?”
“…I have heard that,” Dezmon replies, while tiny Royce hops around trying to make Tami stop embarrassing her.
Later, Royce meets her dad in the park, who doesn’t approve of her latest boyfriend. His objections are both reasonable (he thinks Royce might feel she always has to be with someone and can’t be alone) and bizarre (he thinks Royce’s dating habits are going to scar her son for life). He also thinks Dezmon is too young for her. I’m with you there, Mr. Reed! Royce flips out, and sobs that she can’t believe her dad feels that way. “Just let me be happy!” she cries. It’s actually very sad and uncomfortable and not at all in keeping with the show’s tone.
Chad Ochocinco, Miami Poet Laureate
I love when Chad shows up on this show, because he says a bunch of ridiculous stuff and then disappears for a few episodes, so I never get sick of him. He and Evelyn spend a lot of time this week clashing pver the admittedly hideous décor in his house (he argues that an obnoxious blue rug has to stay, because it reminds him of the ocean). Evelyn really wants to redecorate.
“Who’s gonna pay for it?” Chad asks
“I’ll pay for it. You think I ain’t got no money?” she counters.
“Why do you think I’m with you?” Chad asks. “Sure ain’t your looks.” Amazing.
Soon they’ve moved on from furniture to kids, and Evelyn asks him hypothetically how he might feel if she ends up not wanting more kids after all (also, we find out this week that Evelyn has an 18-year-old daughter, which blows my mind). Chad’s face crumbles into an exaggerated mask of grief, and he asks in a wounded tone, “You don’t want to have kids with me?” before agreeing that they do have plenty of them. In fact, they have a basketball team (“Thanks to you!” Evelyn says), with a sixth man and everything. In the future, Chad continues, if they want to get someone else on the bench or pick up a free agent, he’s open to the idea.
Anyway, he goes on, he wrote Evelyn a poem. She rolls her eyes. “Chad has a poem for me, like, every other day.” Here’s how it goes:
Are like the last slice of pizza
That nobody wants
Evelyn is unimpressed by this, as well as Chad’s lack of interest in wedding planning (“I don’t want no part in that,” he insists, “Talk to my grandma”) and his desire to get married in a red suit.
“Red, babe?” she asks.
“Not like, red-red. Like paisley,” he explains. Can they have their own spin-off? I’m serious.
Next week, the gang goes to Tahiti, where Suzie still can’t let go of the cannibal thing. Until next time, you can watch Chad and Evelyn say insane things to each other below: