GENERAL MILLS, TO LA LA ANTHONY*
Dear La La:
We are contacting you in response to a tweet you sent about the attention you’ve indirectly drawn to one of our products in the past week:
Not for nothing,but we ALL deserve a check or some free cereal 4all the publicity we’ve given Honey Nut Cheerios! LOL #cantbelieveeverything
— LA LA(@lala) January 11, 2013
While we appreciate your interest in Honey Nut Cheerios, we regret to inform you that sending you a check, thereby making you a compensated endorser of Honey Nut Cheerios, or even sending you free cereal, is not something we can do at this time. General Mills is proud of the family-friendly image associated with our products, and in particular this image is important to us as we continue to market Honey Nut Cheerios as America’s Favorite Cereal. Unfortunately, the context in which our product was allegedly mentioned regarding yourself does not fit with this image.
You’ll notice our stock actually went down today, so there is certainly a case to be made that the extra attention we’ve received because of this alleged incident has not actually helped our business. In light of this, we hope you understand our decision not to partner with you at present. Again, we appreciate your desire for General Mills products, and as a token of our appreciation for your interest, please accept the attached coupon for $1 off your next purchase of Rice Chex. If you have any further questions, we have attached an additional note from a Honey Nut Cheerios representative for your perusal.
ATTACHED LETTER FROM HONEY NUT CHEERIOS REPRESENTATIVE BUZZ BEE (HONEY NUT CHEERIOS MASCOT)*
Dear La La:
bzzzzzzzzzz this is Buzz Bee Honey Nut Cheerios mascot bzzzzzzzzz you may know me from the Honey Nut Cheerios box as well as various television commercials bzzzzzzzzzzz just wanted to explain the reason we can’t enter into any kind of partnership with you bzzzzzzzzzz pretty much just ’cause that was some dirty trash talk from KG and we can’t have people thinkin’ about vaginas whenever they see Honey Nut Cheerios bzzzzzzzzzzz I mean it’s Honey Nut Cheerios not Horny Nut Cheerios amirite bzzzzzzzzzz sorry I usually have to be so family-friendly that I like to let loose with an off-color joke every now and again bzzzzzzzzz anyway hope you understand nothing personal we never gave any to Michael K. Williams either even though Omar would always talk about Honey Nut Cheerios on The Wire bzzzzzzzzzzzzz say hi to Carmelo for me and tell him not to let KG get under his skin like that next time bzzzzzzzzzz it’s exactly what he wants bzzzzzzzzzz
Beloved Honey Nut Cheerios Mascot
P.S. when you said “#cantbelieveeverything” bzzzzzzzzz did that mean KG never actually said the Honey Nut Cheerios thing or just that you don’t actually taste like Honey Nut Cheerios bzzzzzzzz I don’t mean to be inappropriate feel free to ignore just curious bzzzzzzzzzzzz
*As is hopefully obvious, these letters are not real.