Game Of Thrones Review, Episode 3: Thanks, Ticket Oak!

Game Of Thrones Review, Episode 3: Thanks, Ticket Oak!
  • Rick Chandler

What we’ve learned so far:

1. Weirwood tree god, or Ticket Oak? Let’s just say that Brandon Stark is never lacking for tickets to a live sporting event or Broadway show.

2. Samwell Tarly is a goddamned medical genius.

3. Remind me again why we invited Melisandre to this party? She just stands out on the patio predicting when various guests will die.

4. Brandon Stark has magical warging tree powers; Arya is a shape-shifting Ninja assassin; Jon has risen from the dead; and Sansa is now Queen of the North. The Stark children are The X-Men.

5. Lady Olenna Tyrell went out with the greatest line of Season 7 so far. Jamie: “I learn from my mistakes.” Olenna: “Then you must be very wise indeed.”

* * *

Who among us can forget StubHub’s legendary “Ticket Oak” series of commercials? Reigning supreme circa 2012-’13 and thereabouts, Ticket Oak was the only integrated media campaign featuring an animatronic tree, if you don’t count those Schwarzenegger “Mobile Strike” spots.

At one time Ticket Oak seemed to be everywhere, dispensing tickets, and worldly advice, on television, in print, OOH, and online — including huge ads on ESPN, Sports Illustrated and Facebook. During his last days, Ticket Oak even gave out relationship advice.

I owe you my happiness, Ticket Oak.

No one really knows which came first — the Weirwood tree gods of Winterfell, or Ticket Oak. It’s my belief that Brandon Stark’s Weirwood and Ticket Oak are the same tree — how else could he see everything at once? Ticket Oak sees the past, and the future. He’s the one who figured out that Jon Snow is really the son of Rhaegar Targaryen. Ticket Oak alone knows how to defeat the Night King and the White Walkers. Ticket Oak also has incredible discounts for the plays put on by Izembaro’s traveling theater company in Season 6 (formerly starring Lady Crane, RIP).

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Those Dragonstone stairs are even longer in real life

Meanwhile, at the Dragonstone Starbucks …

All bow …

Methinks The Lannisters Have peaked

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I don’t claim to have any special insight into the future of Seasons 7 and 8, but I’ll tell you this: don’t expect the Lannister winning streak to continue. All the best Lannister strategists are dead, or on the other team — the rankings go something like this:

1. Tywin.
2. Tyrion.
3. Kevin.
4. Lancel.
5. Jeoffrey.
6. Cersei.
7. Tommen.
8. Jamie.

Yep, that’s No. 8 there, in charge of all the King’s Landing ground forces. Anyone who thinks that Jamie is not going to get his ass kicked by three dragons and a Dothraki horde, please step to this side of the room. Even Maester Pycelle seems to be off his game — a common trebuchet against dragons? Nope. Aside from being virtually impossible to hit a moving target, it’s also made of, ahem, wood. Pycelle you’re fired.

The final battle is going to be the White Walkers vs. a newly-unified Westeros under Daenerys/Jon Snow — Fire vs. Ice. Hey, wouldn’t that be a good name for a series of novels?