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“I’m'a Eat You”: Crazed, Naked Man On Golf Course Tries To Dine On Police Officers

Police officers are often called pigs, so does that mean they taste like bacon? This age-old mystery may not interest you, but it piqued the curiosity of crazy man and apparent foodie, Karl Laventure, while high out of his mind on bath salts, on June 14th. The Georgia citizen was running around a golf course, naked, twirling a club around his head and shouting loudly. Naturally, police officers challenged him. And even more naturally, he responded by threatening to eat the officers’ faces off. The police officers later recalled his “superhuman strength,” showcased when he shrugged off a blast of pepper spray and six shots from a taser.

Don’t ever come between a man and his bacon.

“Among other things he said ‘I’m'a eat you. I’ll eat you, I don’t want to eat you but I will,’ one witness told Fox News.”

Fortunately, though, Laventure was left hungry. The sixth taser shot finally subdued him, leaving him on the ground alternating between yelling continued threats of eating the officers’ faces, mumbling about Biggie and Tupac, and making animal sounds. Laventure did this all on a golf course, so this is URGENT SportsGrid news, people. The Daily Mail called him a “zombie cannibal,” but considering he was alive and didn’t eat anyone, this is actually the opposite of what he was. And it happened in Georgia, so we assume this was done as a farewell celebration to Joe Johnson’s cumbersome salary-cap hit.

And if you haven’t been paying attention, EVERYONE IS TRYING TO BE A CANNIBAL THESE DAYS. It’s all the rage. Threatening to eat someone is like the new Dougie. “If trying to eat people is cool, consider Karl Laventure Miles Davis.” Oh, you won’t trade me to the Nets, Rob Hennigan? I’ma eat you, said Dwight Howard.

Hopefully no one in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest tomorrow is on bath salts, or shit. could. get. weird.

[Daily Mail]

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