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5 Miami Heat Story Lines ESPN Will Thrust Into Our Faces (So We’ll Do It First)

  • Spencer Lund

Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, and that other guy are members of the not-so-new juggernaut from South Beach (although technically it’s along Biscayne Bay). As such, ESPN has decided made it corporate policy to envelop themselves in the King’s tattered robes as they bring you everything you could possibly want to know about the Miami Heat.

ESPN has hired two reporters to cover the Heat, and even as their involvement with “The Decision” was mocked by us and others, they maintain that their objectivity is unquestionable even in the glare of King James’ star power.

However, with 2 superstars and one sorta-kinda star on the same team, ESPN’s Heat coverage will still be so grand and comprehensive, you’ll be begging for the good ol’ days of  the summer of 2010 free agency.  Let’s tick off ESPN’s possible storylines one by one (in no particular order), so when the Wadettes become ubiquitous you can’t say we didn’t warn you.

1) Lebron’s return to Cleveland

This one is going to be a doozy. There will be burning jerseys, the PTI guys will debate it, Around the Horn will have a huge segment where Woody Paige will make inappropriate jokes about trannies in South Beach, and Sportscenter will do roughly 2,000 hours of lead-up.  ESPN will probably fly Rick Reilly into Cleveland the week of, and do a walk-about town segment where he asks Clevelanders what they think about LeBron. When they answer acerbically, he’ll wear a snarky look like a corny polo, and then employ a lame pun about golf in his wrap-up.

During the game, fans will boo lustily, Marv Albert will remain cool, but Mark Jackson will probably say something like: “No man in history deserves this sort of abuse!” ESPN producers will scream at their technicians to switch cameras any time a Delonte West and Gloria James sign crawls across their monitors. America will be entertained.

2) The Heat’s push to win 70 games

This media fire won’t get stoked unless they start hot, but they have two of the three best players in their back-court, so they could very well begin the season 20-0.  Much like MJ’s Bulls during their historic 72 win season in the 95-96 season (against diluted talent), the media frenzy starts building the moment they reach 30 wins with only 4-5 losses. If Miami reaches that by the all-star break (not a stretch at all), watch out; ESPN will be running Daily Dime AND Heat Beat 70 columns 2-3 times a week.

3) Miami Heat stumble out of the blocks and everyone wonders what’s wrong with them

This might be even bigger than the 70 win push, mainly because so many people are already on the hate-wagon. Rooting against the Heat unites us as a basketball community, and it feels good. They’re the NBA elite, and rather than strive to win on their own, they joined forces like some blinged-out Captain Planet. Or maybe like Voltron?

Whatever the simile, they decided to go it together rather than toil alone (sorry Amar’e–maybe ‘Melo and CP3 will join you). As fans we hate this, but as a large, multinational media conglomerate like ABC and ESPN knows, it’s better to have a bad guy then not, and the Miami Heat are unquestionably the bad guys. I’m still hoping that Mike Miller becomes their go-to at the end of games.

4) Rat Piley throwing  that other guy under the bus

Erik Erik Erik. We’ll forgive the viking-esque spelling of your first name, but we won’t forgive your naivete surrounding your tenuous situation in Biscayne Bay. You are not in charge. Pat Riley, Dwyane Wade, and LeBron James, probably in that order, are in charge. You’re the glorified mouthpiece at the press conference, but we all know you have to ask Mr. Riley SIR any time you wanna go take a tinkle.

I’m sure it must have warmed your heart to hear Wade, ‘Bron and Bosh bless your inclusion in their little mini dream team, but make sure you don’t step on the urine that Pat Riley has expunged all over this franchise; it’s his territory. If the Heat lose 3 out of 4 games some time in late January, you won’t be on the hot seat, you’ll be begging Stan Van Gundy for a job on his scout team.

5) LeBron averages a triple-double for the season

My old man can go on and on about his dream NBA team of old farts: Russell and Hondo, Elgin or West and Lew Alcindor (my father actually refers to him this way sometimes).  Maybe he’ll throw in an underrated pick for point guard: Oscar Robertson. The Big O averaged a triple double right?  Well, he did, but they were shooting a thousand times a game back then.

But to do it this day in age?  It would be astounding. ASTOUNDING.  I hate LeBron as much as anyone they let write for this site (actually probably not THAT much), but if he were to throw up double digit averages in points, rebounds and assists for the season, John Hollinger would fall into a coma. Mathematically, it’s nearly impossible, but if he runs the point he might actually do it, which means every single stat geek at ESPN will be tracking his box score every other night, and we’ll get dumb tweets like: “Ruh Roh. Bron only has 8 assists and we only have a minute left.”

There you go.  If you can make it through an 900+ word post about the over-exposed Heat, you’ll be fine during this upcoming season.  Tip off starts on the night of October 26th with, you guessed it, the Miami Heat against the Boston Celtics. It should be fun…for the fans spectators in Miami.

Pics via Jenson Chan, Baller Shots. Headline photo via Getty.

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