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Top 5 Dead Or Alive: The Best Fictional Athletes Ever

Welcome to our eighth installment of Top 5 Dead Or Alive. In case you missed our piece last Friday on team mascots, we want you to know that this feature is designed specifically to make life hell for our employees. Each week, we’ll ask one of our writers to come up with a definitive list of the five best people, places or things in a particularly subjective category — then, we’ll ask you to tell him who or what is missing from the list. Feel free to be a total dick.

Today, we’ve asked Evan to name the five best fictional athletes of all time. There are some interesting choices here, so tell him what he missed in the comments, email him, or tweet at him.

When I first got the idea to do this piece on fictitious athletes, all I was thinking about was Gerry Bertier and Remember the Titans.

Then, to my chagrin, I remembered that Titans was based on true events, and the film’s characters were based on actual people. Which sucks, because Remember the Titans was fantastic. Denzel really got the most out of those kids. And who could forget skinny Ryan Gosling’s turn as the worst white guy dancer ever? Such an emotional roller coaster, that movie.

With Bertier and the rest of TC Williams High no longer eligible, my job suddenly became tougher. I also had to toss out Sly Stallone’s Rocky, because he’s loosely based on Rocky Marciano (plus he’s a little too obvious).

Was it a shame to disqualify these fictitious legends? Absolutely. But these lists are supposed to be difficult to make, so I soldiered on.

Next, per usual, came the qualification of list candidates. What would land a fictitious athlete on this list? It had to be a collection of the best of the best. So while I love Otto Rocket, he didn’t quite make the cut. (Although, he is quite athletic, and probably deserves an honorable mention.) The same can be said for Andre in Hardball. I know he’s a great young pitcher with a live arm, but I’m not sure how competitive the Kekumbas district is. And like Otto, it would have been difficult justifying putting someone so young on the list.

Also taken into consideration was the relative competition these fictitious athletes were playing against. Will Smith appears to be a NCAA caliber guard during his time at Bel-Air Prep, but I have no idea how good his competition is. I see Will score baskets in high volume, but I also see him run around defenders like traffic cones. Put him up against a good defender, and there’s no telling if his production dips.

To make this list, you had to be an accomplished fictitious athlete. You needed to have genuinely showed you can excel at the sport you were scripted to be competing in. And while I could make a case that the Flash and a whole heap of other super heroes should be on this list, it just didn’t feel right. Almost like putting a roided guy on Top 5 Dead or Alive: Most Jacked Athletes. It’s too much of a competitive advantage.

So without further ado, your Top 5 Dead or Alive, fictitious athletes.

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