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Top 5 Dead Or Alive: The Best Workout Songs Ever
Welcome to our fifth installment of Top 5 Dead Or Alive. In case you missed our piece last Friday on jacked athletes, we want you to know that this feature is designed specifically to make life hell for our employees. Each week, we’ll ask one of our writers to come up with a definitive list of the five best people, places or things in a particularly subjective category — then, we’ll ask you to tell him who or what is missing from the list. Feel free to be a total dick.
This is my first foray into a Top 5 Dead or Alive, and I’m in the perfect mood to write about my gym playlist. Why? Well, I’m on five cups of coffee, kind of have to poop, and I swear to God I will punch the next person who looks me directly in the eyes. So let’s go ahead and dominate the world.
What makes a great workout song for you? Is it a high BPM? Aggressive lyrics? Basslines that make you sneer? For me, I like songs that help me daydream about doing really awesome things while I’m working out, like fighting off hoodlums who have disrespected my lady, or catching touchdowns in front of my lady, or, sometimes, winning rap battles AS MY LADY LOOKS ON NERVOUSLY (this last one is a carryover from when I saw 8 Mile in 10th grade).
More often than not, though, I imagine myself as a boxer who’s about to walk out in front of millions of people and fight the biggest fight of his life, live on HBO. I imagine what my theme song would be, and I imagine Jim Lampley saying things like, “Dan Fogarty is a faster, leaner, more imposing version of Mike Tyson… and, by God, Larry, he looks like he could satisfy a mare sexually.”
(Sometimes, in my boxing fantasy, I’ve dropped down to Welterweight and am about to fight Floyd Mayweather for the undisputed championship. After I beat him — keep in mind, we’ve been exchanging harsh words for weeks in anticipation of our racially-charged megafight [it was totally the media's fault for turning it into a race thing, by the way!] — we embrace, and I whisper softly in his ear that he’s “The greatest champion there ever was.” Related: my boxing fantasies are more than a little gay.)
That’s how I get pumped up at the gym. I imagine myself walking out for the biggest fight of my life while an awesome song blares on the loudspeakers. I am a loser. But, sweet tuxedo’d baby Jesus, I am a highly motivated one.
Here are the best workout songs that have ever been sung.
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