Media Monster

British Tabloid Watch: Time To Hit The Panic Button

The British tabloids are already preparing for their football team’s elimination from the World Cup (the game against Slovenia will decide their fate). The prospect of another disappointing showing on the world’s biggest stage has the UK tabs operating from their favored vantage point: widespread panic and disappointment in their players. Let’s play the blame game!

The weekend got off to a deliciously trashy start, as England’s most recognizable star, Wayne Rooney, yelled at fans after he came off the pitch following England’s 0-0 tie with Algeria. The Daily Star had a little fun with it, calling Rooney’s display Roobish, with the appropriately even-keeled tagline “Capello’s chumps are complete shambles.” Shambles, I tells ya!

As if having your best player scolding fans wasn’t enough gossip fodder, a British fan decided to sneak in the players’ locker room and give them a piece of his mind. Oh, and he also yelled at David Beckham. What did he say? Did he run in there like a raging maniac and have to be escorted out by FIFA officials, as some reports indicate? Of course not! He was a proper English gentleman.

And as the headline from the Sun indicates, the English squad decided to have a meeting to discuss their issues. In light of a French mutiny, the English papes are chomping at the bit for a similar meltdown among its own players (messed up, right?). This means that a reported team meeting equals the end of the world: surely, the British players must be disowning their coach behind closed doors?

Oh, boy. Capello hasn’t helped matters by already beginning the process of throwing his players under the bus, telling The Sun that he feels like the last two years have been “a waste of time.” And what of the supposed “England Summit,” the team meeting between players and coach regarding the direction of the squad? Well, even though it just a few guys talking over a beer, it’s already caused a huge, uncrossable chasm in the team.

And what about the Royal family? Let’s find a way to get them involved!

Now it’s a party! As stated earlier, it’s not all doom-and-gloom for England. If they beat the Slovenians, they’re in. But a measured analysis and rational look at the team’s chances for advancement would make for some boring headlines. If the Brits lose to Slovenia, expect a full-scale headline riot (oh, the possibilities).