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Dudes Cupping Their Balls: How ESPN Kept You From Seeing Junk In “The Body Issue”

ESPN The Magazine’s “Body Issue” comes out tomorrow, and there’s a gallery currently out on ESPN.com. And with that issue comes naked athletes in need of a method to hide their balls. And ESPN, a place rife with creative talent, isn’t lacking for ideas. Here are some examples:

The Winking Pillow, used as a device to hide Rob’s Dong-kowski, seems even more unabashed than Gronk, the King of No-Shame.

There’s no athlete in the world that would be less embarrassed than him in this shot – yet there may not be a more embarrassing pose out there. The amount of fucks he gives is infinitesimal. (Creative Note: Knowing what we know about Gronk, it’s probably not a coincidence they chose to use a large pillow to cover up Li’l Gronk, rather than his hand or a small object.)

Apparently, this is Mike Smith, a generically-named old man/jockey who comes in at a whopping 5’4″ and 115 lbs. And with a little man comes a little hand with which to cover up one’s balls – a hand this guy seems to be really digging deeply into his junk. This is just awkward. I can never unsee this. Thank you, ESPN. (The horse does seem to be enjoying it, though.)

With this shot of U.S. national soccer team captain Carlos Bocanegra, ESPN chooses to cut the shot short of his dong. CREATIVE. They also choose to cover him in dirt, which I assume was done as a bold statement on how soccer players are dirty because of the whole diving epidemic! America! Soccer! It stinks! Undertones! (Kidding)…

What better way to ensconce the private region of a soccer player than with the graceful scissor! It fits the sport, and is effective!

[ESPN]

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