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Gold Medalist LaShawn Merritt Used (Sexual) PEDs, But Will Perform In London, Both Athletically And Sexually

LaShawn Merritt — the reigning Olympic gold medalist in the 400 meters — uses ExTenze, okay? He’s embarrassed, but he saw the voice of male enhancement, Jimmy Johnson, tell him on TV that the pills “could provide a little extra energy.” Who doesn’t want “a little extra energy?” Right? Why are you laughing? Cut it out! He’s faster than you!

“It was like you go into a store, you grab a drink, you grab some chips.”

Yeah, you grab some chips, you grab some ExTenze. You grab some toothpaste, you grab some anal beads.

Well, there’s a problem with casually grabbing some ExTenze if you’re also trying to run in the Olympics. Unlike Kettle-Cooked Barbecue Lay’s, ExTenze “contains dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA), a steroid hormone banned under the world anti-doping code.” So, Merritt tested positive three different times, due to his wanting to temporarily lengthen his penis, or something.

He had no idea what had caused the positive tests, until he returned to the scene of his crimes: the local 7-Eleven. It was there he decided to skim the ExTenze label.

He grabbed a pack of ExtenZe. It might as well have been a grenade.

Drop the box of penis enlargement pills! Run! It’s a grenade!

“I look on the back, and the first thing I see”—Merritt’s hand bangs a table—“is DHEA.” Merritt still blushes at the memory. “I said, ‘oh my goodness,’” Merritt says.

“I was like, dude, this is unbelievable.’”

Well, believe it, dude. The Olympics stand for integrity; they won’t have any penis-enlarging cheaters at their sacred Games. The larger the penis, the faster the runner. Everyone knows that. If you are embarrassed about your underwhelming manbits, you live with it, or be banned.

The positive tests carried a suspension of two years, and although Merritt’s last positive test was in January 2010, any athlete that receives a ban longer than six months can’t compete in the next Olympics, per IOC law. So London seemed like a LaNoGo for LaShawn.

Unless he did something drastic, in hopes of getting the ban overturned (however unlikely it seemed). So he did the unthinkable, and copped to taking ExtenZe.

As a first line of defense, Merritt decided to publicly admit his misstep. “I hope my sponsors, family, friends and the sport itself will forgive me for making such a foolish, immature, and egotistical mistake.”

He was egotistical. He just wanted a bigger penis, temporarily. It was selfish and immature. All seventh-graders have been in his position.

Fortunately, his excuse was so embarrassing and strange that the American Arbitration Association, to whom Merritt appealed his suspension, gave him a legitimate shot.

With a million other excuses available, why pick one that ridicules your manhood? “You’d have to be a fool to publicly announce that if it wasn’t true,” says Travis Tygart, head of the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency (USADA).

LeShawn’s no fool, no siree! LeShawn and his penis are gonna run until they’re 73!

Still, his case wouldn’t be overturned unless a third-party witness could verify he had purchased ExTenze. And he didn’t have receipts, even though I’m sure his mom taught him better than that. Merritt and his coach tried to find a 7-Eleven employee that remembered him buying the goods, and shockingly, they had success.

At a 7-11 near his house, (Merritt’s coach) asked a clerk if she remembered Merritt buying ExtenZe. She said she did, (but) not because Merritt was some fancy Olympic champion. She remembered his habits. He’d come into the store and buy a lottery ticket —”tough economy,” Merritt says—and some juice. A few hours later, he’d return for the condoms and ExtenZe. She found that funny enough to be memorable.

The woman, Leslie James, agreed to testify at the arbitration hearing. It wasn’t an easy experience for Merritt—his mother and aunt left the room while the sprinter was asked questions about his sex life and ExtenZe.

Apparently, James’s testimony was extremely convincing. But Merritt still should’ve known better, as athletes have it drilled into their head to be extra careful when taking any sort of drug. So, his suspension was reduced, but it still stood at 21 months. HOWEVER, the arbitrator said they’d make an exception and let him compete at the Games. Victory! But the IOC had to agree, and they’re some stingy bastards, so Merritt wasn’t optimistic.

His legal team was preparing to fight the IOC’s “Rule 45,”, arguing that the IOC’s Olympic ban for dopers who have already served their suspensions was essentially double jeopardy: two punishments for the same offense. The case went to the highest possible level, the Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS) in Switzerland.

Then, in October 2011, Merritt’s agent called the sprinter and told him that he had lost the case.

BUT, she then “instructed him to peek outside his window and look for actor Ashton Kutcher.” Zing! It was only a practical joke! He was Punk’d! How funny! As it turns out, the IOC said he’d be allowed run at the Games! Impossible is nothing!

The ruling also opened the doors for about 50 more athletes in similar situations (for positive tests, not necessarily man-part beefing). It was a landmark ruling for athletes worldwide. And it meant that LaShawn would only be punished once for his desire to increase his sexual performance. There’s no double jeopardy in track and field, Mr. Trebek.

Justice was served, although Little LaShawn will remain unassisted for the foreseeable future.

When asked if he’d ever take any kind of bedroom performance-enhancer again, Merritt’s high-pitched laugh returns. “No way,” he says. “Nothing. Man, if I do it would be way after track and field. Way later on, when I’m not an athlete, when I’m just a regular human being.”

That’s good to hear; he won’t make the same mistake twice. However, just because he won’t be enhancing his sexual performance, doesn’t mean he won’t be attempting to perform sexually. In ESPN’s investigative piece on the sexcapades of the Olympics, Merritt wasn’t afraid to make some boastful predictions, since he’s single and ready to mingle (with his dingle), unlike the previous Games.

“An Olympics to remember has to have those stories,” Merritt says. “But I was too locked in in Beijing. This time, when I’m done leaving my legacy on the track,” he says, laughing, “I’ll make sure London remembers me.”

A bit of overcompensating, perhaps? Best of luck to LaShawn, who will be performing naturally this time around. You won the legal battle, Mr. Merritt, but you still have a large task ahead of you. This is the Olympics; don’t get cocky. Here’s to hoping he ExTenze his hold on his Olympic gold.

Watch out, ladies of London. LaShawn is coming for you, unashamed and un-enhanced.

[TIME]

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