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LeBron James Will Sit Down With Oprah, And The Train Wreck Potential Is Off The Charts

LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh are going to sit down with Oprah. This exciting news just came across the wire, and, according to the press release, the Heat’s Big Three will be “talking about the challenges leading up to their historic win, their friendships on and off the court and the women in their lives.” The challenges! The friendships! The women!

Seriously though, the interview, which will air on Oprah’s OWN Network on Sunday at 8 p.m. ET, has serious train wreck potential. There will be way too many opportunities for LeBron James to say things like:

THANK U SCOTTIE PIPPEN WHOEVER U ARE FOR SAYING THAT I AM BETTER THAN JORDAN WHICH YES I DO AGREE WITH.

— LeBron James’ Ego (@LeBronJamesEgo) May 27, 2011

Or…

MERRY XMAS! GOT MY TEAMMATES AND KIDS AN AUTOGRAPHED PIC OF ME CAUSE XMAS IS A TIME TO REMEMBER THE GOOD IN LIFE WHICH IS ME.

— LeBron James’ Ego (@LeBronJamesEgo) December 25, 2010

Which is a shame, because it seems like (some) people were just starting to hate this guy a little less. So here’s a quick, four-point plan to make sure LeBron doesn’t do or say things that make him monumentally hateable again — because no one likes rehashing old story lines.

1. LET DWYANE WADE DO MOST ALL OF THE TALKING. Seriously. Let Dwyane do the talking, LeBron. He’s been here before, and knows how to act like a champion. You, on the other hand, have never been in this position, and you have a tendency to get very excited and do things like wear shirts with a vampire version of you on the front and rap on stage. If you want to win back America, you need to be humble in the wake of your greatest victory. Which means shutting the hell up.

2. IF YOU MENTION CLEVELAND, BE NICE. Really nice. Be as nice as possible. In fact, be as nice as possible, then be nicer.

3. DON’T TALK ABOUT YOURSELF OR YOUR STRUGGLE. Yes, the last two years have been tough for you, and you will have a seemingly uncontrollable urge to talk about just how tough they were. Don’t. No one wants to hear about how you spent two weeks in your house after you lost in the NBA Finals last year, because you probably have some very, very cool shit in that house. Move forward, and don’t look back.

4. IF ALL ELSE FAILS, THROW BOSH UNDER THE BUS. Oprah is a wily media veteran, LeBron, and she won’t be afraid to ask you tough questions about “The Decision” or your various other public relations missteps. So, if she corners you, just turn to the gawky power forward/center hybrid next to you, and say, “Hey! Look at this guy! This guy’s weird!” The room will immediately erupt in raucous laughter as Bosh stares off into the distance, a single tear running down his cheek. Problem solved!

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