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Imaginary NBA Boyfriend Power Rankings: Atlantic Division

The Association is starting to heat up, and as the fairest of fair-weather basketball fans, I’m starting to look around to see who I want to support should I be stuck at a bar or a friend’s house watching an NBA game. I have a couple of pre-existing loyalties…but what about the rest of the league? That’s what this is for.

I grew up in the Southwest (so I like the Suns, dislike the Lakers and despise the Spurs) and since moving to New York, the Knicks (home of ex-Suns Amar’e Stoudemire and ex-coach Mike D’Antoni) have found their way into my heart. But…what about the rest of the league, those many teams who have nothing to do with the Suns?

If you are anything like me, the corrupt owner of a languishing fantasy team who likes trivia and watching the occasional playoff game in a bar on the weekend where you can be swept up in other people’s excitement and feel part of sports mythology for a few hours, I’m choosing one Imaginary NBA Boyfriend for every team, in each division, then ranking them. Basically, if you’re stuck watching a game somewhere in which you have no rooting interest, this will give you something to pay attention to.

(N.B. I have nothing but the utmost respect for people who follow basketball year round, but I maintain that you are allowed to be whatever kind of sports fan you want to be, and I choose to focus on on players’ food preferences, intra-league friendships and courtside celebrations.)

The following rankings are based on players’ quirks — who they’re friends with, what their hobbies are, the silly handshakes they have with their teammates, what kinds of ridiculous, embarrassing photos they’ve taken with their bros over the years. These factors (and also handsomeness and likability and team record) are key in determining my Imaginary NBA Boyfriend Power Rankings.

1. Amar’e Stoudemire, New York Knicks

Record: 18-21 (3rd in the Atlantic)

Good Things: Let’s pretend, for the sake of our/your relationship, that Amar’e does not have a record label called Hypocalypto. Instead, let’s focus on his penchant for musical theater (one of the first things he did upon arriving in NYC was see the Broadway musical “Rock of Ages.” So did I. And then he claimed to be a producer on the show, but the only source I could find to corroborate that was Stoudemire’s own Twitter feed. Love this guy.) His loyalty to longtime coach Mike D’Antoni is admirable, and he characterizes his interest in cooking as “fun” and “intriguing to the ladies.” That is a super dorky thing to say, and I am super on board.

Possible Red Flags: The aforementioned record label. These hipster goggles.

Imaginary Boyfriend Alternatives for the Knicks: Landry Fields, Tyson Chandler.

2. Ray Allen, Boston Celtics

Record: 20-18 (1st in the Atlantic)

Good Things: This might seem like an odd choice, since Allen’s unwavering commitment to routine (which he attributes to a borderline case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) might make him a bit difficult to live with in Imaginary NBA Boyfriend-land. But listen! “His pregame ritual does not waver: a nap from 11:30 a.m. until 1 p.m., a meal of chicken and white rice at 2:30, an arrival time at the gym at precisely 3:45 to stretch.” He’s a mid-day napper, just like me! Similar sleep routines are important. Plus, he once starred in a movie with Denzel.

Possible Red Flags: He’s older (36), and there are mumblings about team general manager Danny Ainge trading away key players. Plus: married.

Imaginary Boyfriend Alternatives for the Celtics: Rajon Rondo.

3. Elton Brand, Philadelphia 76ers

Record: 23-17 (1st in the Atlantic)

Good Things: Elton Brand contributed 18 points to an impressive, confidence boosting 76ers win over the Boston Celtics last night, but he’s not your NBA boyfriend because he’s good at his day job. That would be shallow. The reason why he’s a good guy to root for is that you both have interests beyond your main careers, like your as-yet-unrealized cross-stitching hobby and Elton’s work with Werner Herzog. Yup, he was a producer on Rescue Dawn, directed by Herzog and starring Christian Bale in 2006! He is also reportedly a practitioner of bikram yoga, so if you ever want to go on a sweaty, expensive death march together he won’t need much convincing.

Possible Red Flags: Elton is injury-prone, so there’s the possibility that he becomes your guy, and poof! He’s in street clothes.

Imaginary Boyfriend Alternatives for the 76ers: Evan Turner, Andre Iguodala.

4. Anthony Parker, Toronto Raptors

Record: 13-26 (4th in the Atlantic)

Good Things: It’s tough to choose just one Raptor to be your Imaginary NBA Boyfriend, because their team name lends itself to so many amazing headlines. Like “Raptors Upbeat Despite Hangovers”, or “New York-based Canadian Blogger Marries A Raptor.” Good stuff. Honestly, this was a toss-up between Leandro Barbosa, “The Brazilian Blur” — when I lived in Arizona my friends used to joke that Barbosa was so fast because he just thought the object of the game was just to run from one end of the court to the other as quickly as possible — and Anthony Parker, who is rather unremarkable to me but is well traveled (he played for Israel and Italy!), has a nice smile, and is handsome in a sort of raptor-like way. If you’re going to have a Raptor as your Imaginary NBA Boyfriend, why not go all in?

Possible Red Flags: He has played on eight different professional teams since 1998, so this probably isn’t the guy you want to develop an imaginary rooting kinship with if you plan on watching a lot of Raptors games. Then again: unless you are in Toronto, you won’t be watching many Raptors games anyway. GO FOR IT.

Imaginary Boyfriend Alternatives for the Raptors: James Johnson, Gary Forbes.

5. Gerald Green, New Jersey Nets

Record: 13-27 (last in the Atlantic)

Good Things: First things first — Gerald is a great name, and “Gerald Green” is delightfully alliterative. There have been some rumors of Green being a difficult teammate, but he has owned up to his immaturity and stubbornness in earlier years, and what is better in an imaginary NBA boyfriend than humility and self-awareness? Nothing, that’s what. Also a plus, is Green’s recent move from the Celtics to the Nets, whose stadium is a mere (several) stone’s throw from my apartment and whose tickets currently retail for as little as $0.95. For that price I could be the most supportive imaginary NBA girlfriend of all time! Gerald, I’m up here! Upper corner, section 210! I’m wearing my vintage “Gerald Green Show” T-shirt!

Possible Red Flags: He plays for the Nets.

Imaginary Boyfriend Alternatives for the Nets: Common’s character in Just Wright.

[Photos via Celebrity2Day.com, ShamaSportsHeadliners.com , Sun-Sentinel.Com, LostHatSportsBlog.com, TrialX.com]