Note: this is a special edition of Pretty Much Screwed, our team-by-team NBA preview. It is also fictional, except for the part about Glenn living in Hoboken.
You know what this is?
That’s a picture of Hoboken, N.J., where I live, from Tuesday. Note that while Hoboken is where I live, it’s not where I am right now. Because if I were there, I’d be writing nothing on the internet. My place has had no power since Monday night. You know why. “Sucks about your lack of power,” you say. “When will it be back?” Well, as of now, the projected return date is… November 5.
“Well, that’s too bad,” you say, “but there are more important things in life than having electricity and the internet, right?” And I say: well, you’re reading this on the internet, so that’s EASY FOR YOU TO SAY. Trust me, I was far from the only one affected. You know what this is?
That’s a picture of Northern Soul, my favorite bar in town, from earlier in the week. They got hit pretty hard too, didn’t they? Well, I’m telling you: just about everyone around here did. No one was immune. Case in point: you know who this is?
You know who that is. That’s star Giants quarterback/two-time Super Bowl MVP/third-in-the-NFL-in-passing-yards Eli Manning. He lives in Hoboken. That’s how his place looked earlier this week. If he couldn’t escape the effects of the storm, who could? No one, that’s who.
“Well okay, that looks pretty bad,” you say. “How’d you manage to make it through?” And I say: well, jeez, it was a bad storm, but when you say that, you sound amazed I even lived through the thing. I might work on the internet, but do you think I’m that dependent on it? That incapable of getting by for even a couple days? What, you think the lights went out and my roommate and I each panicked and had a fight to the death where the winner ate the loser for food?
Because… heh… of course nothing like that happened. What do I look like, some savage? I can handle adversity. I didn’t blindly reach for the first blunt instrument I could get my hands on the moment my apartment went dark. I didn’t revert to my basest animal instincts and strike my roommate repeatedly as soon as I sensed him near me, and I certainly didn’t collapse into a tearful heap over his lifeless body when my senses returned and I realized what I’d done. This is civilized humanity, thank you very much, and OH GOD THEY’RE HERE TO TAKE ME AWAY THEY FOUND OUT oh God I’m so sorry everyone I never meant for it to come to this I love you all a-