Media Monster

British Tabloid Watch: Goalie Muffed Shot Because Of A Broken Heart

Poor Robert Green. You’d figure people in a soccer-obsessed nation would be quick to forget about a spectacularly bungled play that cost their team a World Cup win against a hated rival. Strangely, this has not been the case.

Yesterday, I chronicled the front page reaction to Green’s play among England’s dramatically trashy gossip papers. Today, one of those papers has a theory as to why the British goalie allowed such an easy score.

You see, Robert Green is playing injured. Injured with a broken heart.

The England blunder keeper is apparently devastated after splitting with gorgeous Elizabeth Minett.

Green, who yesterday apologised to the nation after his comedy fumble spilled the ball into his own net to earn the USA a 1-1 draw on Saturday night, ended the 20-month relationship with the model shortly before the World Cup.

Yes Robby Green, yes! Give in to the insurmountable sadness! Your tears are what fuels the US soccer team’s rise to glory!

As expected, the picture that accompanies the article is outstanding.

Womp womp. It looks like it’s going to take a lot of Kanye West autotune to get this one out of Green’s head.

For consistency’s sake (and comedy’s), here’s how some of the other gossip rags are chronicling day 2 of The Hand of Glod.