The Ryan Lochte Reality Show Will Render All Other Reality Shows Obsolete
Ryan Lochte is probably getting his own reality show. Sometimes, the Hollywood gods make it Christmas in August.
The swimmer has received offers to create a fashion line and has been asked by Will Ferrell to make a FunnyOrDie video, and multiple TV offers are on the table.
“I cannot tell you the exact shows, but two different reality show concepts have been offered and one additional is being discussed,” Wright writes in an e-mail.
Lochte also told reporters in London that he would be open to appearing on Dancing with the Stars, even suggesting that he and U.S. swimming teammate Michael Phelps square off on the ABC competition. And in a radio interview with Ryan Seacrest, Lochte said that he plans to move to Los Angeles after the Olympics.
Yes, Ryan Lochte, the bling-wearing, vagina-luring, fast-swimming, hilariously-awful interviewee. America’s sexiest douchebag. The adrenaline addict. That Lochte. The one with the mom who talks about her son’s sex life without even knowing it. That Ryan Lochte.
This has the potential to be the greatest reality show of all time. He has the stupidity, spontaneity, name recognition, athleticism, family drama and sex appeal of all reality shows ever, combined. He probably has incredibly dumb, hilarious friends. He parties. Literally, this is every good aspect of every good reality show rolled up into one. This is Big Brother’s Amazing Survivor Real World Terrell Ochocinco Hard Knocks at the Jersey Shore, featuring Kanye West and Kate Upton.
We can only speculate what these three mysterious ideas are, but I’m sure they’re all wonderful. If I had to guess, these are the greatest shows Lochte could be involved in.
Lochte has a bachelor’s degree from Florida in Sports Management. But how spectacular would it be to follow his path through law school? Law school makes even the smartest bookworms crack, and Lochte doesn’t even know 7×4. Watching a hardworking, unintelligent man unconditioned to failure struggle through law school would be the ultimate schadenfreude.
This week, on Lawyerin’ Lochte, Ryan tries to juggle his desire to jump off high platforms with his need to train with absurd weights for three hours, have sex with the 15 women outside of his door and complete his 45-page paper, all while learning how to read.
“Mom, can I just have a quick one-night stand, THEN study?”
“No, Ryan. Get through your paper first. Then you can have sex with the nice ladies in the kitchen. I’ll bake them some cookies while you wait.”
Lochte would appear on a spinoff of MTV’s Made, where he teaches one lucky contestant just how he manages to be America’s Sexiest Douchebag. The show would have that Biggest Loser thrill of watching someone get in prime shape, while also having the intellectual appeal of enlightening you on the science of tool-generation.
Next week on Made: Douchebag, Ryan teaches wannabe-douche Steve how to properly select a “grill.”
“Are you kidding me, Steve?”
“What, I had Jay-Z make me a purple, diamond-filled grill? What’s wrong with that?”
“People actually LIKE Jay-Z, Steve. Don’t you pay attention to me? I mean, I got Paul Wall to do it. Find a damn person that NOBODY likes, and THEN have them make you an obscenely obnoxious piece of jewelry. Damn it, you’re more difficult than long division!!!!!”
Lochte vs. Kardashian
Put Lochte and Kim Kardashian in a locked room. Don’t let them leave until they complete a Sudoku puzzle. Enjoy the longest-running show in TV history.