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2012 Summer OlympicsMedia MonsterTabloid Fodder

America Wants To Bang Ryan Lochte Even Though He’s The Dumbest Human Being Alive


Ryan Lochte’s dominance of America’s vagina didn’t come from out of nowhere.

He was a big deal before the 2012 Summer Games, blowing away the field at the 2011 World Championships and raking in about $2.3 million in endorsements this past year. But, by the time he gets back to the States, his fame will have reached stratospheric levels.

This tends to happen when you win five medals and look like That One Gosling Cousin With The Giant Torso. The $2.3 million from last year? It will look like Monopoly money compared to his projected future earnings. The Vogue cover? Baby food compared to the full-on Lochte media blitz that will ensue once he gets back from London. He will be everywhere, and when he awkwardly segues into a Lil’ Wayne performance at the VMAs, you’ll know we’re in the middle of it.

As if the hero’s welcome weren’t enough, over half of America wants to have sex with Ryan Lochte. It’s a fact, one that’s been proven unscientifically in the Gchat windows and Facebook status updates of the country’s dude-loving populace ever since the Games first started: Straight girls and gay men can’t get enough Ryan Lochte in their lives.

To a degree, I get it. He’s a good looking guy, has about 10 million cameras trained on his every move, and he’s winning. That last point is the most important one. If the world is a giant high school, and the Olympics is its biggest sporting event, then Ryan Lochte is probably the most popular kid in that giant high school by virtue of all of the races he’s won. That makes him attractive, since being attracted to winners is hardwired into our DNA.

Still, I don’t quite understand the level of Lochte-centered horniness that’s overtaking most of our country’s straight female and gay male populace. Yes, he’s good looking. Yes, he’s popular. Yes, he wins races.

But, ladies and gay gents, I’ve got a question for you: Have you ever heard Ryan Lochte speak? Like, have you really listened to Ryan Lochte when he opens his mouth? Have you been able to get past the preferable bone structure, numerous gold medals, and eyes as blue as the deepest ocean to actually listen to the words that are coming out of this guy’s face? Because he’s dumb.

Really fucking dumb.

Look at this video of him. He is Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, if Spicoli was less articulate and didn’t quite know what camera he was supposed to look into.

See. Dumb as a rock. And if you’re not sufficiently convinced that Lochte is very, very dumb, take a look at my new favorite website, “Ryan Lochte Says.”

Here’s my favorite thing Ryan Lochte actually said:

There goes Ryan, indeed.

Despite saying things like that, Lochte is still highly sought-after by pretty much anyone who’s attracted to men. Just look at some of the phrases used to describe him in The Times and Democrat’s breathless breakdown of Lochte’s appeal to soccer moms.

- “Simply a stud.”
- “A truckload of eye candy.”
- “He’s cool enough for kids and hot enough for their moms.”

Lochte has America’s mom’s real hot. But, far be it for his appeal to be constricted to one demo: Lochte horniness has crossover potential.

From the comments section on a recent MediaTakeOut post.

- “anyhooo white boy is sexy.”
- “Ryan is sexy:)”
- “OH YES BRING THAT TALL GLASS OF MILK HERE!”

Lochte Fever is everywhere!

Looking to further understand the phenomenon, and why America could fall in love with a man so stupid, I asked my friend Justin, who is gay, about the swimmer’s appeal. He broke it down quite well.

Justin: normally as soon as i know someone is dumb, my fascination with them is over
but knowing that there are chairs that are smarter than ryan lochte actually makes him more
not more attractive, but just more …
interesting? for lack of a better word
i dunno

Dan: how does Lochte being dumb as a rock make him more attractive

Justin: i think it’s because i hate him less as a result
if he were good looking, and an olympian, AND actually reasonably smart on top of that
i would resent him for having it all
granted there are more important things in life than those three things
but he’d be an absolute total package
if he were smarter
i guess his dumbness makes him a little more relatable and a little less superhuman
Sent at 2:34 PM on Friday

Justin: does that make any sense at all?
Sent at 2:35 PM on Friday

Dan: yes
that actually makes perfect sense

It does make perfect sense! It makes perfect sense because it makes Lochte more attainable. Like the nearly perfect girl who’s got one minor flaw, Lochte’s brain-melting dumbness actually works in his favor: he’s human. And humans like humans.

So you know what, America? I don’t blame you for giving your metaphorical vagina to Ryan Lochte. He’s a nice boy. And even though he can’t put two sentences together, and you probably can’t leave him alone in the house (because he’ll try to microwave aluminum foil or something), I’m sure you two will be very happy together.



  • Anonymous

    Right, cause SG favorite Kate Upton is a rocket scientist and Gretsky’s daughter is a brain surgeon. Sportsgrid, please stop with these ‘angry fat loser sportswriter bashes incredible athletes’ pieces. They’re embarrassing you. All the articles bashing Phelps, the articles bashing Eli Manning’s attractiveness and now this. Gee, as a hetero female let me clear up Lochte’s principal weapon of attraction….it’s not what comes out of his mouth, it’s not even predominately his face, it’s what’s below his neck….that jaw-dropping, drool producing body. I know it’s hard for fat loser sportwriters to grasp, but women like nice bodies, just like men do. And, there are no better bodies in sport than swimmers. They are incredible. Insanely hot. Mind blowing. I look at Lochte and couldn’t effing care less if he is dumber than a doormat…I’m too busy slobbering over that perfect chest and gorgeous stomach. Can’t control it. It’s primal. Does that clear it up for you?

  • Anonymous

    Lochte has a weird-looking torso.

  • Anonymous

    I like my men to have the swimmer’s body and a brain, which is why I married the perfect man. 

  • Matthew Rudnitsky

    Dan has a nice torso.

  • Anonymous

    Oh, stop it you. 

  • jacob

    he went to college and got a degree though at University of Florida

  • Ryan’s Grill

     There you go again Dan, showing off with all your fancy words and syntax and stuff. You’d sound like him too if you’d hit your head on the end of the pool a few hundred times.

  • Trevor Jenkins @ New York

    I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time.  Now seriously folks, how does a man ask a hottie like Ryan on a date ? Does anyone know his phone number ?

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_IE44S2OZGMFRTGQIIQB4SVGVZE FedUpWithBigGovernment

    Lol.. I find it funny.. for someone that is supposedly so ‘dumb’ as you call it… he will be forever FAR FAR more successful than this ‘writer’ will ever be in his career…  He can’t be too dumb working all the endorsements he has… lighting up the social media like he has… Did the writer ever think this was just his shtick and he simply wants everyone to underestimate him?

  • Brian Tregerman

    i bet ryan eats a high fiber high protein diet.

  • http://www.facebook.com/michael.angelo.3760 Michael Angelo

    I don’t  always need a sex partner to be a good conversationalist.  I wouldn’t date the guy but I jump his bones in a heartbeat.

  • Waldorf21590

    Can I just point out that those were some lame questions? In my fantasy, he’s not dumb, he just needs media training….like Tim Robbins’ character needed Kevin Costner’s character to break it down for him and feed him some acceptable cliches in Bull Durham. (Haven’t seen the movie often enough to remember the actual characters’ names and am too lazy to Google it, but I think my argument stands.)

  • AL

    He might not sound dumb when he opens his mouth, but his actions don’t indicate him having done anything stupid either.  He hasn’t been in any financial or criminal trouble. He got through college  (even a bogus major requires some sort of coherence) and his mouth hasn’t offended anyone.  

    I don’t know why I defend him being the grammar snob, book worm that I am.  Oh now I remember – I want to bang him, that’s why.

  • AL

    Meant “he might sound dumb”.  Okay, maybe I’m dumb.

  • Lochte Jaw

    My favorite quote so far:  “You can’t always walk a straight line, especially if the line is crooked.”

    Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve found the new Yogi Berra.

  • CAG

    The real babe is Nathan Adrian.

  • John

    It sounds like the article’s writer was picked and/or very unappealing to the opposite sex growing up. As for Lochte? Whatever. At least I get his appeal more than Biebers and Pattinsons of the world. As long as we still have Kate Upton to fawn all over the other side can get all happy happy joy joy over whomever they like.

  • CAG

    I agree with you about Bieber and Pattinson. Now I need to go find my picture of Nathan Adrian!

  • Cat

    Well, my fantasies don’t involve a lot of conversation. (And, yes, I’m a straight woman.)

  • NC

    I agree with the other women here (I’m a straight woman who loves sports).  I am absolutely SICK of these articles that bash the good-looking men when you have to REACH to put articles together about women that have no real basis to a sports story….Gretsky’s DAUGHTER?  when did she actually play sports?  That’s just one of many examples….

    When you have Welker marrying a Hooters chick and getting pages of stories about it – it’s pretty hard to justify everything.

    And believe it or not, I don’t care if my women athletes are in skimpy clothes – I just care that they win or compete as hard as they can.

    And the final thing – if I see a woman wearing a pink “team” shirt, I just want to puke.  If you’re a real fan, buy the team’s colors.  If any guy buys me a pink team shirt, then I won’t wear it and I’ll consider it an insult.

  • olympiclover

    I have problems with speaking but that does NOT make me dumb! Sometimes words just don’t come out or they stumble over each other and don’t make any sense at all. Who cares? And if the world wants to have sex with him i’m pretty sure they don’t give a fuck. And you shouldn’t. That’s who he is.

  • Veronica

    He is SEXY AS H*LL. I would rape his ear canal :) I’m a dentist and I’m 27 lol. By far the sexiest swimmer and I study them. He is GOOFY people and he loves milking that because its funny. It’s pretty obvious he isn’t dumb but a la many before him, he will laugh all the way to the bank. He’s adorable because he doesn’t really care what we think :)

  • Anonymous

    I honestly don’t care if he can speak At ALL.

  • http://funisforassholes.com/ funisforassholes

    ‘Lochte’s ear rape dentist hell’.


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