Welcome to Top 5 Dead or Alive, a new feature that’s designed specifically to make life hell for our employees. Each week, we’ll ask one of our writers to come up with a definitive list of the five best people, places or things in a particularly subjective category — then, we’ll ask you to tell him who or what is missing from the list. Feel free to be a total dick.
All right, Rudnitsky here. Before I start, let me level with you. I’m 21 years old. This list was really difficult to make for me, considering I never witnessed half of the anchors, and the peak of my SportsCenter-watching existence was probably when I was seven years old, watching at 7am before I left for Ms. Rudolph’s second-grade class. I wasn’t yet cynical enough to distinguish the anchors; I just loved the damn show so much. But now, I’m old(er), and wiser (and crankier). I think I can do this.
Another disclaimer: Chris Berman is not on the list. This will probably make most of you happy, but some will be outraged. He was the network’s first big star, and as ashamed as I am to admit it, I love his catch-phrases. So, while I’m tired of his little act, I’ll give him his due: each anchor that made the top five will get an honorary Chris-Berman-style nickname.
Ok. Let’s get rumblin’, stumblin’, bumblin’ into the rankings. Duh-nuh-nuh. Duh-nuh-nuh.