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Usain Bolt Can Run The 100m Faster By Making Smarter Choices At McDonald’s

Usain Bolt won the men’s 100-meters quite easily, setting an Olympic record of 9.63. The Jamaican freak show says he can run it faster, and he’s probably right. Why? For one, he says he didn’t get “the perfect start” in the race. A casual observer will concur. Second, Michael Johnson says, “technique-wise he’s an absolute disaster.”

But most importantly, he ate McDonald’s before the race. A McDonald’s WRAP, of all things. The room for improvement seems limitless.

Now, Johnson is the expert on biomechanics. It’s what he does now. He’s got the science part down, as well as the personal, practical experience of actually being faster than hell.

But I’m the sage on fast food’s effects on sprinting performance.

I used to eat at McDonald’s and other fast-food establishments twice a day with my few friends who hated their hearts as much as I hated my own. We were badass high-schoolers who truly gave zero fucks about such inconceivable myths as “obesity” and “diabetes.” We were invincible. We and fast food went together like Tim Tebow and abstinence.

On the side of my artery-clogging addiction, I was a proficient sprinter. So while I’ll leave the technique to the esteemed Mr. Johnson, I’ll take care of the trans-fat analysis, as it pertains to running. I ate my fair share of McDank’s — as my fellow Arch-addicts aptly call it — on days when I ran fast.

If Johnson is indeed right, an improvement in Bolt’s form (Johnson singles out another Jamaican, Asafa Powell, as the prototype) could easily lead to him breaking his current world record of 9.58 seconds. Johnson suggests 9.4 as the new mark.

HOWEVER: he discounts Bolt’s poor fast-food education. He even admits that he is “talking purely from a biomechanical standpoint.” No mention of race-day wraps anywhere. He’s merely discussing one small hindrance to Bolt reaching his maximum potential. An improvement in technique would just scratch the surface. There’s more to this. 9.4 is CHILD’S PLAY.

Now, many nutritionists, doctors, trainers will tell you some scientifically-proven mumbo-jumbo about how Bolt can cut out sugar a la Steve Nash, adhere to a “real food” diet, drink rhinoceros pee, or some other crap like that to improve his performance. But don’t be fooled by their witchcraft.

How do I refute these professionals? One DONOVAN MCNABB, former Pro Bowl quarterback and many-time almost Super Bowl Champion. When was Dr. Oz selected in the 1999 NFL draft? That’s what I thought:

That should settle that argument, science. No holes to prod in Donovan’s speech. And if a man as talented as Donovan McNabb will speak for the magical performance-enhancing-benefits McDonald’s, I’m convinced, and you should be, too.

But Bolt’s doing it wrong. Here are the post-race Bolt quotes that demonstrate his nutritional naiveté:

He said his “therapist” Eddie went out on Sunday morning and bought him a chicken and vegetable wrap from McDonalds.

“It was healthy,” Bolt joked with reporters. “Don’t judge me. I didn’t eat as much because I didn’t want to feel too full.”

I don’t even know where to start. He’s as clueless as Blue, now that Blue’s Clues is off the air.

Firstly, it’s common knowledge that you never order “vegetables” or “wraps” from McDonald’s. They’re merely to appease soccer moms who think they are being healthy, when they are in fact eating rat feces disguised as “health food.” That should be in the international Kindergarten curriculum. A chicken and vegetable wrap is the poorest sprinting-fuel on the menu.

The most important part of a pre-race McDank’s feast is to gas up. You want a fart queued up to propel you when your acceleration inevitably slows mid-race. How are you supposed to get that final kick across the finish line on some chicken and vegetables? Everybody knows you go for the Big Mac, with its special sauce that, when consumed in large quantities, could fuel a small, efficient sedan. It’s currently being investigated as a solution to the world oil crisis.

In addition to Big Macs, Bolt needs to include fries, for their saltiness. Getting “salty” is essential pre-race. When “salty,” you are more intimidating and focused. He also needs to add milkshakes (for quality protein) and McNuggets, because they’re delicious. Anything but a fucking wrap. Ordering a wrap at McDonald’s is like Ryan Lochte: it’s unspeakably dumb.

Fortunately, Bolt is such a natural talent that he’s overcome his nutritional shortcomings to this point. But with the proper education and dedication, he can crack the 9.4-barrier. With ease. The only thing better than Dr. McDonald’s salubrious diet would be a Chick-fil-A deluxe chicken sandwich and waffle fries, but they probably won’t let him eat there, as no sub 9.4-times were mentioned in the Bible.

[Mirror; photo via]

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