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4.5 Million Cases of Natty Light, And Other Things Cole Hamels Can Buy With His New $144 Million Contract

The Philadelphia Phillies enjoy the pitching services of Cole Hamels so much, that they’ve decided to make him a very rich man: the 28-year-old was signed to a six-year, $144 million contract extension. We presume that Hamels is ready to make some splashy purchases. But what in the world will he spend it all on? We’re here to help.

Assuming Hamels decides to invest $0 of his upcoming $144 million income, disregards taxes and wrongly assumes that he’s receiving the entirety of it right now, here’s what we suggest the lefty spends his shiny new $144 million on. (Investing is for sissies, bt dubs.)

1. This Equestrian Estate, which comes complete with lots of other random shit.

When you receive $144 million, the thing to do is buy an equestrian estate. I didn’t know that was a thing until five minutes ago, but it’s pretty cool. Trust me, Cole wants one.

Plus: It’s just 30 miles west of Philly, so my unofficial calculations say Cole could ride his long, flowing locks of hair there in 6.7 minutes.

Some details:

This house is also a marvel of engineering and technology, with mechanical systems sized to accommodate a small hotel that introduce energy efficiency to a 17th century environment. Also included are the in-ground pool and pool house, stables with 12 stalls, carriage barn, tenant house and beautiful English gardens. Unlimited riding across hundreds of acres with access to the Brandywine River.

A full basement with Authentic English pub with hand hewn timbered ceiling and stone walk-in fireplace, wine cellar including a wine tasting room. With separate air filter system. Also includes work out area with full bath and steam shower.

A BLUH-DEE IN-GLISH PUB IN ME IH-QUESTRI-UN IH-STATE… BRILLIANT!

It has nine fireplaces and the driveway holds 30 cars, which are both obvious necessities. The house is 16,000 square feet and the lot is 61 acres.

But the best part? It’s a mere $12.9 million, leaving $131.1 million for Cole to spend. Since he’ll be living on an Equestrian Estate, I suggest he buys this $16 million horse — the world’s most expensive — and then burn $12.7889 million in each fireplace.

2. 16.4571 million turkey burgers.

It occurs to me that Cole might want to spend all of his money on food. I mean, in my previous scenario, he’d have nothing to eat! So, what’s his favorite food? A WikiAnswers user says is the turkey burger, maybe.

You convinced me, Mr. ID2905700616!

NOTE: I used an average price of $8.75 per turkey burger, which seemed a reasonable estimate. Surely, though, a smart man like Cole, who scored a 1510 on his SAT, may be able to find a bargain. More turkey burgers!

Now, for the “world’s most expensive random thing” portion of this listicle.

3. 100 of the world’s most-expensive burger: $295 each, $29,500 total.

If a turkey burger doesn’t do it for Cole, there’s always this (much more bougie) meat sammich:

It contains Japanese Waygu beef, 10-herb white truffle butter, smoked Pacific sea salt, 18-month cheddar, shaved black truffles, a quail egg, and a white truffle-buttered roll. It is also French-sounding, making it that much fancier. But what really drives up the price is the solid gold, diamond-encrusted toothpick holding the whole thing together.

Yum! Good thing I can pick my teeth with the mineral that occupies the end of the hardness scale!

4. The world’s most expensive model car: The Bugatti Veyron Diamond Ltd., valued at $3.0948 million.

Liverpool-based designer Stuart Hughes took two months to create the intricate 1:18 scale model in partnership with Swiss luxury model car maker Robert Gulpen. Weighing in at 7kg, it has been created with platinum, solid 24ct gold, and a 7.2ct single cut flawless diamond on its front grill.

Yes, this model car costs twice as much as the real thing.

5. A Nissan Altima, MSRP: $22,280.

Some guy says this is the most-reliable family car in America. Who am I to argue with him? I’m sure Cole and Heidi want a family, so why waste their precious millions on a fancy-schmancy sports car? Go for the most reliable driving machine out there (according to some guy).

- 100,000 bottles of the world’s most-expensive beer: $700 each, $70,000,000 total

This should last a bro like Hamels at least a couple months.

But, shit, that still leaves over $70.8 million. Recklessly spending someone else’s money is hard! The remaining money should be able to buy about 4.5 million cases of Natty Light, for Hamels to quench the thirsts of fellow bros across the globe. No bro will be Natty-less, ever again. World, saved.

6. More than three Jeff Probsts.

Hamels is married to former Survivor contestant Heidi Strobel. If Hamels is a loving husband, he’d buy his wife the ultimate keepsake to remember her once-in-a-lifetime experience on the show, by purchasing the greatest reality-show host ever, Jeff Probst. He could narrate the couple’s fights and every-day activities. Who wouldn’t want a tribal council in their home? Heidi, you must clean the dishes. The tribe has spoken.

Probst is supposedly worth $40 million, so Hamels could buy 3.6 of him, just in case something happens to the first 2.6 Jeff Probsts. And since all 3.6 of them are Cole’s property, he could be, like the couple’s butler or something, and provide them with food, shelter and other necessities.

I hope you’re reading, Cole. Because there’s no more productive way to spend all of your money than buying 3.6 reality-TV show hosts. Unless maybe you could pay for bounties on the entire Jersey Shore cast, but that’s probably too expensive. It’d take the entire US army to take out Ronnie alone.

[USA Today]

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