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Beards! Beards! Beards!: A Six Stage Manual For Growing Out Your Face Pubes This Coming November

  • Jake O'Donnell

Growing a beard is awesome. Problem is, you don’t just go from weirdo to beardo overnight. It takes time and effort and a whole bunch of excuses as to why you look like shit 95% of the time. Here are the six stages you will experience should you begin the noble cause of growing a beard, and how to stay focused on your goal.
 

Stage 1:

The “Oh, ya I forgot to shave” stage (1 week)

 

Most beards start off by chance. You shave on monday. Go out on monday night. Wake up late on tuesday. Skip shaving. Go out on tuesday night. Etc. By Friday some super clean shaven dude says to you “growing a beard i see?” At this point, you aren’t, but you don’t want to risk telling him you haven’t showered in 4 days, so you confirm his suspicions. Congratulations! You now have to edge this baby out or else people will catch on to your drinking problem…

 

Stage 2:

The “handsome bearded man” (2 weeks)

 

About 2 weeks in you’ll begin to get people’s attention. “I like you with a beard!” people might say. “Haven’t you always had a beard?” your girlfriend may remark. Enjoy it. This is literally the maximum length of acceptable facial hair in non-muslim societies. Soak it all in.

 



Stage 3:


The “ok, I gotta make a decision here…” (1 month)

 

At this stage, you’ll begin to notice how small particles of dead protein sprouting through your skin and around your mouth can itch, and hurt, and prevent you from sleeping because you can hear them rustling against your pillow. This will prompt you to ask your friends, “Hey, guys, whatdya think? Stays or goes?” Motivated by their lack of concern for your well-being and the “every group of friends has got to have a beard dude” phenomenon, they’ll inevitably urge you to continue. And you will, because you’ve now put in a month, and admittedly, it makes you stand out. Just be prepared for everyone you know to start thinking you’re depressed.

 

Stage 4:

The “I’m a beard guy now” (2 months)

If the beard does not reject its new host, it will begin to take over your thoughts. You’ll begin wearing flannel. Drinking liquor in mugs. Starring blankly into the woods as if it is calling you to come home. Resist this urge. Instead, get creative with your new friend. Braid it. Grease it. Slick it up over your face. Put some beads in it. Make it pointy. Make it bushy. Pretend like it talks. Hide things in it. Or just tie it with a twisty-tie like it was a bag of bread (see Wilson, Brian).

 

Stage 5:

Hi, are you gonna finish that heroin? (3-4 months)

Ahem, this is when everyone will think you’re on heroin.

 

Stage 6:

The Bitter End (4 months – )

 

Several scenarios cause the end. Asteroid. Burning the beard on something you weren’t even standing near. A cascade of white flakes falling from your face that grosses out the guy you always thought was the grossest guy you know. Or, most likely, you’ll just get drunk and want a killer stasche/goatee. Either way, you’ll waffle for about 2 weeks, driving your friends or coworkers or cell mates nuts by repeatedly asking them “Hey, I’m gonna shave it. Do you think I should shave it? I’m gonna shave it. I can’t shave it. What do you think?” When the moment arrives, use scissors, then a beard trimmer, then dig up your old razor and start fresh. And try not to get upset when no one notices the next day.

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