MLB

How To Sweat Less On A Date At A Summer Baseball Game: A SportsGrid How-To

It was 97 degrees today, which, by our extremely scientific calculations, is what’s known as “ball-sweating weather.” Here at SportsGrid, we know that it can sometimes be a daunting proposition to head to a ballgame — with, say, a date — and avoid sitting in a puddle of your own sweat, thus immediately ending any sort of physical attraction between you and that special someone. Luckily, our resident sweat-spert, Evan Sporer, is here with some tips on how to stay cool (and maintain some level of appeal) during those sweltering summer days at the stadium.

Athletic shorts are your Bible, your floating device, your holy grail, and your best friend.

The easiest way to not sweat your balls off is is to ensure air flow to the lower extremities. Athletic shorts are breathable, comfortable, and light, and are optimal for minimizing the overflow of what is commonly referred to as “gooch juice,” the accumulation of sweat in the scrotal region. While some may view them as too casual for a date during the early stages of a blossoming relationship (and are ashamed to be viewed in public looking like they just finished playing Halo 3), you can wear these if you’re three dates deep. Sometimes, though, mesh isn’t an option, in which case…

Fabric awareness isn’t just for Project Runway, it’s for your well-being.

Cotton, light-colored shorts are the name of the game, here. You maintain a sense of comfort while also looking like you put some thought into your outfit. Plus, if it’s really hot (or you’re just a generally sweaty person), there is no risk of your butt-sweat being visible because of the fabric’s light coloring. NOTE: Khaki shorts are risky business. Some, thicker versions won’t have any seep-through. Others, however, will have you immediately looking like you sat in water. Make sure you battle-test your khakis by pouring water on them before you leave the house, so you know exactly what kind of seepability quotient you’re dealing with.

Stay away from flannel, because you’re not in the mountains.

Want to know what’s uncomfortable? Repositioning yourself in your seat for four hours during a day-game marathon, with your body so sweat-soaked you’re not sure if your flannel shirt is beginning to go through some osmosis-like process and entering your body. Wearing fabric that breathes (again, see the previous section) is one of the most important edicts to live by for hot baseball games. Like the seventh Crack Commandment, this rule is so underrated.

Cotton is good. Lightweight, breathes well, and is comfortable. The aforementioned flannel is bad. And microfibers or synthetic fibers are also bona fide winners, the stuff used to make Dri-Fit. Linen is also a good warm-weather choice. Its high absorbency will eat up any of that unwanted sweat. Just do yourself a favor, and don’t drape yourself in velvet like George Costanza.

Sit in the shade whenever possible.

Sitting right behind home plate can be really neat, until it’s the bottom of the third inning, Mike Maroth just walked his ninth batter, and you’re not sure if the puddle your sitting in is the Poland Spring bottle you just spilled or of your own accord. You need to know your ballpark: for instance, Yankee Stadium’s “Legends Suite” section provides great views of the game, but the seats are made of leather. This is a nightmare scenario on a 100-degree day.

Most ballparks with upper decks provide some shade if your seat is located in a higher row. And for day games, sitting in the sun can be absolutely brutal. You wouldn’t just waltz into battle without first mapping out your territory, right? Know where you’re situated, and know the terrain, by Googling your stadium’s seating chart, and searching for Google Images of the inside of the stadium.

Plan a route to the game that involves the least amount of walking.

No one likes to be that guy who shows up to the game and is already schvitzed; half the battle is getting there with your person intact — and dry. Obviously, driving to the game keeps you in the sanctity of your air conditioned automobile. But don’t be a penny pincher and park a few blocks away from the stadium. For one, no one, including your guest, wants to walk. And also, those three blocks are going to have you sweating before you can even hand your ticket to the usher. Drive if you can, and park close if that’s an option. If you don’t drive, map out a route that cuts down on walking. Trains are good because they’re generally air conditioned. Suggesting you take the romantic walk through the Bronx to Yankee Stadium is a dumb because, a) it’s not in the slightest romantic, and b) there won’t be a dry eye, or armpit, once you arrive.

The tank top is your emergency parachute.

There are a few ways to go about de-shirting so that you end up in a wife-beater. There’s the ketchup route, meaning you “accidentally” get some ketchup on your shirt, forcing you to remove it. There’s the “this shirt is itchy route,” where you fake discomfort, and strip down (but just know, that may be the last time you can wear that shirt in front of her ever again). And finally, there’s the brave-man route, in which you just go balls out and take off your tee. However you look at it, if you’re worried about the Nile River painting itself to your back, wear a wife-beater, which in a tight spot could turn into your savior.

That Philly cheesesteak may look appetizing at the concession stand, but it. Will. Kill. You.

Anything hot or filling or heavy in the food department will inevitably cripple your stomach, and turn into a sweat-induced crisis. There’s no worse feeling than a full stomach and a forehaed/collar seeping with perspiration. Some suggestion: Ice cream is guaranteed to keep your body temperature at a cooler level. So will Gatorade or ice cold water. (Chilly beverages are your friends. Hydrate early and often.) And beer may seem like the frosty way to go, but just know that it will dehydrate you, so don’t drink too many.

Wear darker colors, and be a sweat-ninja.

Wearing darker colors may seem obvious, but it’s a point that needs to be made. Much more difficult to see sweat on a royal blue shirt than a white tee. Again, got to be smart about this one. Don’t wear black and make yourself a human sun catcher. Being a sweat-ninja is a more covert, more dedicated task. Never get up first. Want to know what’s unattractive? The trail of swamp ass you just left on the chair seat behind you. If you can’t get up first, use this ninja tactic.

Hug your legs as close as you can to the bottom of the seat. Get up carefully, so that you straighten your body as your seat bottom also straightens. This will ensure that you provide a blockade between your guest’s line of sight and that small lake you just left behind until your seat is safely perpendicular to the ground. And if you’re worried about walking out of the aisle first, and getting exposed by the new polka dots covering your clothing, simply extend your arm and say, “after you.” Chivalry ain’t dead, folks, and neither are your chances of winning her heart if you follow these rules.

Follow Evan Sporer

Image via Shutterstock.