MLBTabloid Fodder

Is Justin Verlander Dating Kate Upton? Because If He Is, We’re Going To Have To Destroy Him

Normally, I’m not one to go digging around in the personal lives of pro athletes. What they do when they aren’t on the field/court/coliseum floor is their business. But an exception must be made if the rumors regarding Tigers ace Justin Verlander and so-hot-it-makes-my-brain-hurt supermodel Kate Upton are true. Because, aw man, come on, I wanted to go out with her first.

At this point, the evidence for this relationship is shaky at best. Here’s what we know so far:

1. Upton was spotted in Verlander’s suite at a Tigers game over the weekend — apparently boozing, no less.

2. The two were seen together last Thursday, taking in the sights and shrieks of an Aerosmith concert. There are only two ways to enjoy an Aerosmith concert: with a group of your closest bros/babes, or with a significant other. Or maybe with your dad. That’s it.

3. After the concert, they were kinda, sorta photographed at a bar. (Busted Coverage has the photos, along with a boatload of other pictures of Upton looking gorgeous). And according to CBS Detroit:

Staffers at Coyote Joe’s in Shelby Township, at 22 Mile and Ryan, confirmed the duo were very chummy Thursday night. … But witnesses at Coyote Joe’s said Upton was “hanging all over” the ace.

Yes, technically, this could all be a bunch of media hype, and the Michigan native Upton might just be happy to hang with a Tigers pitcher.

On the other hand… if this is true, Justin, I think I speak for every straight male, gay female, alien life-form and pretty much everyone else in the universe when I say that I want to punch you in the face. You could have any girl in the world (provided one of these guys doesn’t get there first), so you went for the absolute hottest? Your life isn’t sweet enough — you need to eat the largest, juiciest piece of fruit on the Tree of Life and leave everyone else to watch you suck your fingers? It used to be that any average Joe or Jane could dream of meeting and seducing Kate Upton, but now you’ve gone ahead and drank up all that milkshake (allegedly).

Basically, Justin: In the nicest, most respectful way possible, I hate you. Now, please leave Kate alone — before she met you, she was angelic, wholesome, clean, the American dream. Now she goes to rock concerts and drinks beer. You have ruined this for us, Justin, and we are all so, so glad you got lit up in the first inning of the All-Star Game, because now we know that not everything goes your way.

Oh yeah, speaking of which, the All-Star Game was a complete blow-out and the National League will now have home field advantage in the World Series. Two words, folks: Blame Verlander.

[Larry Brown Sports]

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