MLBWeird But True

Carlos Beltran Convinces Former Teammate To Get Nose Job, Is The Meanest Mean Girl Of Them All

New York Mets pitcher Jonathon Niese is beginning this season with a new nose.

He showed up at the team’s camp yesterday looking just a little bit different, and was surprisingly candid when speaking to reporters about his decision to get plastic surgery. That was odd on its own, but stranger still was the revelation that Niese’s rhinoplasty was all Carlos Beltran’s fault idea.

See, Niese and Beltran were hanging out last summer, as teammates/bros do, when the subject of Niese’s nose was raised and Beltran apparently offered to foot the bill for the procedure himself. Those are some next-level frenemy mind games, Beltran! According to Yahoo! Sports, “[Beltran] promised to handle the tab before he was traded to the San Francisco Giants last July.” Niese also told MLB.com that, although he hasn’t spoken with Beltran since the trade occurred, he has every intention to “send him the bill.”

The ways in which this is a tragic story are myriad, so let’s just sample a few:

1. Niese insists that the procedure was performance-enhancing, claiming “[The surgery has] helped a lot with my running, it helps with my working out” but also admitting “As far as the mound, I’m not sure.” Friends ended a decade ago, and nobody bought Rachel Greene’s excuse about a “deviated septum” then either, Jonathon.

2. Niese literally told reporters “[Beltran] wanted me to have a new nose.” Uh, what if he was perfectly happy with the nose he had? How did Carlos Beltran, who is not an otorhinolaryngologist as far as I know, anticipate that a little light plastic surgery would have such a salutary effect on Niese’s health/game? Also, who in the world (who is not on “Mob Wives” or a “Real Housewives” franchise) suggests that their colleagues undergo plastic surgery? Can we expect a bunch of major league baseball players in San Francisco to suddenly start making discreet visits to surgeons’ offices until they are all sculpted to Carlos Beltran’s liking?

3. What is this business about Niese not hearing from Beltran since the trade? Did he check in with him after surgery? Send flowers? You know, I think I see what’s going on here — Niese thought that he could coax Beltran into a phone call or a text message volley if he spoke to the media about his procedure. It’s the professional athlete equivalent of being at a party and talking about the last date you went on VERY LOUDLY to make sure that your ex overhears everything. This never ends well, Jonathon. Just let him go. You’re better off.

[MLB.Com, Yahoo! Sports]