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An Open Letter To You About Larry Lucchino’s Open Letter To Red Sox Season Ticket Holders

Dear Sir or Madam,

Hello. Happy Friday the 13th. If you are reading this, thanks for your loyal SportsGrid support thus far. As we close in on the end of the sports week—the slowest one ever—you may have heard about the letter sent by Boston Red Sox President and CEO Larry Lucchino to Red Sox season ticket holders. Let’s talk about that letter for a second, shall we?

It opens thusly:

“As we cross the midpoint of our 2012 season, we thank you for your loyal support thus far. We met many of you at our new spring home, JetBlue Park at Fenway South, and renewed more acquaintances as we opened the 100th Anniversary season at Fenway Park.”

Oh, this is going to be more awkward than we thought. Larry Lucchino is acting like he personally met you while you two had coffee in his living room or something, which means a PLEA FOR MERCY will soon follow.

“Our play on the field has at times tested the mettle of the faithful. It could be maddening one day, enthralling the next day. Along the way, we have seen our bullpen gel, young players emerge, and veterans lead. We have watched the team coalesce into a close group. Personalities are enhancing the chemistry, such as the cheerful Cody Ross, the friendly Mike Aviles, and the inspiring story of Daniel Nava.”

Ah! Just like the progress updates I get from my Jewish relatives telling me how great their family is doing! “Our play on the field has at times tested the mettle of the faithful.” Jewish progress report translation: “Sarah is adjusting to a new Yeshiva splendidly but can sometimes get on our nerves. Hope you’re enjoying the Manischewitz we sent you.”

The Hallmark adjectives tagged on to players was a cute touch. We would like our readers to know we too could play Madlibs in our body text, but instead, as previously stated, remain committed to a high level of literary excellence.

The one constant on the field has been our beloved Big Papi, David Ortiz. How thrilled we were that our gregarious leader reached the 400-home run plateau in a career that we hope will forever be with the Red Sox.

OH, HOW WE LOVE OUR PAPI. Calling David Ortiz “the one constant on the field” immediately made us remember just how contentious the relationship between Ortiz and Boston has become. If you didn’t bring it up, no one else would have. Way to go, Lar.

“As we begin the second half, we look forward to the return of the “varsity,” including Jacoby Ellsbury, Carl Crawford, Andrew Bailey, and the ever-dirty Dustin Pedroia.”

Little Dustin just won’t stay out of the dirt! He’s so scrappy and incorrigible.

Other moments in the letter we want to call to your attention include the phrase “green with envy” (undoubtedly a Green Monster reference Lucchino blushed at when he wrote), inviting fans to the ballpark early to look at a place that “probably leads the league in bronze plaques and commemorative displays” (yes, but what have you done for me lately?), and the overall “please don’t stage a complete mutiny yet” tone.

After all, it’s only July, the Red Sox have plenty of time to climb back into the standings, only to blow the playoffs on the last day of the season against the Orioles. Good thing Lucchino didn’t send a letter with a return address to his home. We’re sure Red Sox fans would have reciprocated his plea for mercy peacefully.

Keep the faith (you poor bastards),

SportsGrid

(Lucchino’s original letter, in full, can be read here)

h/t Barstool Sports