MLBWeird But True

This “Mechanized Sculpture” That Will Activate For Marlins Home Runs Cannot Be Real

A while ago there was some consternation over what was reportedly the Florida Miami Marlins’ new logo. Since then, ample evidence has emerged to confirm that this design is the real deal…and most people seem to hate it. They hate the design itself, they hate the colors. And we…well, didn’t think it was so bad. We sort of defended it, with SportsGrid’s resident Floridian, Tim Burke, in our corner. We found it a bit hard to believe just how much this logo was getting slammed from all corners, and thought the Marlins deserved a bit of a break.

No longer.

Because now, we know that the new logo won’t be the most prominent visual feature at the Marlins’ new stadium when it opens next year. No, that will be a sculpture built specifically to activate when the Marlins hit a home run. Sort of like the Mets’ apple, only the apple is just hokey, rather a waking nightmare come to horrible, horrible life. That monstrosity you see above: that’s really it. We wouldn’t blame you for not believing us: for a while, we had a tough time believing it ourselves, even as SB Nation’s Grant Brisbee assured us (well, “assured” is probably the wrong word here) that this is a real thing that exists.

Alas, the evidence was too strong. Brisbee linked to a story on mlb.com that mentioned the creation of this sculpture. Even more damning, he linked to a video of the sculpture in grotesque action – from the Facebook page of the Miami-Dade County Department of Cultural Affairs. Unless they’re playing a prank, this will be a real thing (well, unless they nix it because of the backlash, which would be oddly disappointing to us in a way). In addition, Brisbee’s post has a gif demonstrating what this blinding terror will look like when the Marlins homer, which will hopefully happen zero times at home, ever:

Shudder. We spent a bit of time trying to think of what exactly this reminded us of, if anything. We thought it might have looked a little like something out of The Little Mermaid, but only if everything – literally, everything – in The Little Mermaid were gaudier by a factor of at least 10. It also evoked a feeling like maybe we were staring at the centerpiece of a marine-themed casino…but only after dropping acid. All it really made us think of: this thing is going to be displayed in a stadium built on the back of $370 million in public financing while the Marlins raked in millions.

With all this in mind, we went back to Tim and asked for his opinion again. He affirmed our opinion with the logo (he even called it “very Miami”); surely, he’d do the same this time, no? Surely there’s no way the “very Miami” excuse works this time, we said – this sculpture is just “very ugly.” Tim, though, countered with this: “Lots of drugs in Miami.” And if there was one common thread between every thought we had when looking at this sculpture, it’s that it could only make sense after taking copious amounts of those. So…not a total loss? (Nah, still a total loss. This thing is just hideous.)