MLB

Holy Shit, The Roger Clemens Trial Sounds Boring

Does anyone care about the Roger Clemens perjury trial? Did anyone ever care about the Roger Clemens perjury trial? When a mistrial was declared when the first perjury trial began last summer, did anyone do anything but groan that this infernal thing was now going to drag on even more? Is there – was there ever – any reason to cover it, other than a feeling of grudging obligation because it centers around a big name in Clemens and involves another well-known pitcher in Andy Pettitte? Is there any reason this trial should even exist?

If you thought there was a chance the answer to any of the above questions was “yes,” here’s the latest evidence to the contrary: some tweet-reports of the Clemens trial “action” today from Juliet Macur, the New York Times reporter with the unenviable task of covering it. Macur’s been tweeting from the trial all day, but things only got really good (i.e. really, dreadfully dull) this afternoon. To wit:

Govt shows close-up photo of Clemens & Jose Canseco, both looking huge, then shows far-off photo of them — you guessed it — looking small.

— Juliet Macur (@JulietMacur) May 7, 2012

Using Canseco? No hugs for u, government. Oh, and hey, look at that – the case is apparently moving too slowly. Let’s see what exactly is making this case even more boring than it has to be (which is boring to begin with; have I mentioned that?):

Why is Clemens case moving slowly? Govt showed street sign of NY intersection. Then showed pix of Starbucks storefront. Then showed inside.

— Juliet Macur (@JulietMacur) May 7, 2012

Of all the un-dramatic things I’ve ever seen… And there’s more where that came from:

Next up, govt is showing photos of paint drying. No, sorry, showing separate photos of Roger Clemens’s building, lobby, gym, basement.

— Juliet Macur (@JulietMacur) May 7, 2012

Now, gentlemen, in this country, our courts are the great levelers. In our courts, all men are created equal. I’m no idealist to believe firmly in the integrity of our courts and of our jury system – that’s no ideal to me. That is a living, working reality!

These tweets are an advertisement for trying to get out of jury duty. True, there’s more to the trial than just this, but good Lord, the details are even worse than I imagined. Starbucks. Street signs. …Rooms. Oh, and Manhattan on Google Maps. And here I thought actual meat of the case (steroids) was uninteresting. I think writing this post – even thinking about this trial – sapped me of all energy. The jurors who have to actually sit through all this? Don’t cry for them – they’re already dead.

Getty photo, by Alex Wong