Ryan Braun’s Piss Has Singlehandedly Forced MLB To Smash Glass Containers Of Piss With A Hammer
Remember when Ryan Braun tested positive for PEDs and was suspended 50 games? Remember when he made claims of improper piss collecting procedure, even though the piss collector said he collected and shipped the piss per MLB piss collecting and shipping regulations? His 50-game suspension was eventually tossed out, and Braun’s name and piss were cleared.
Piss testing procedure, however, did not make it out unscathed. Braun predicated his entire defense on the mishandling of his piss, which invariably led to “insanely high” levels of testosterone, among other inconsistencies which resulted from the botched pissed collection. And when the tamper defense worked, Major League Baseball was less than pleased – Braun’s case was the first time a drug suspension had ever been overturned. So naturally Bud Selig’s office decided to tighten testing procedure even further, so (possible) cheaters like Braun couldn’t wiggle out of suspensions on a technicality. In particular, this entailed a change to the piss receptacle, which went from plastic to glass, according to the New York Daily News:
“According to two major league sources, MLB quietly switched from plastic to glass containers for urine samples in 2012, a direct result of Braun’s victory on grounds that the collection process was flawed. Before the Braun case, players gave the urine sample in a triple-sealed plastic container.”
Then it starts to get a little weird:
“Now, the collectors use glass bottles, made by the same manufacturer, but considered even more secure. The bottles have a locking mechanism on the top, as opposed to tamper-proof stickers on the plastic version. The only way to open the glass bottles is to smash the top with a hammer, which the lab does in what a person familiar with the process described as a “controlled manner.””
So, to recap: there is a person, employed by Major League Baseball, whose job is to wield a hammer and smash the piss, both literally and figuratively, out of a glass container. We’d call this barbaric, but we’re not sure if Olympic procedure is any better.