NASCARTabloid Fodder

A NASCAR Driver Tested Positive For Adderall, Which Has Got To Be The Best Drug Ever For NASCAR Drivers

A week after being released by Penske Racing following a failed drug test, NASCAR driver A. J. Allmendinger has revealed what caused his tainted urine sample: Adderall, the ADHD study drug that’s been getting America’s B students into really good colleges since the early 2000s.

Allmendinger shed light on the failed drug test in an interview with ESPN. He was suspended from the Coke Zero 400 as a result of the random test, which was conducted on July 7th. On July 24th NASCAR suspended him indefinitely, and the release from Penske followed.

According to Allmendinger, he was given the drug by a friend of his after complaining about being tired during a night out in Lexington, Ky. The friend told the 30-year-old that it was a workout supplement “that would give him energy.” To be fair to Allmendinger’s friend, Adderall does give you energy. It also gives you wicked cottonmouth, the inexplicable desire to organize your DVD collection in reverse alphabetical order, and is a Schedule II controlled substance.

Two days later, Allmendinger would be given the random drug test by NASCAR officials and fail. Although he was never explicitly told the failed test was due to the drug, he was told he failed because of an amphetamine, and, doing the math, realized the mystery pill he took that night in Lexington had probably caused the failed test. He’s currently enrolled in NASCAR’s Road to Recovery program, and hopes to be reinstated.

Side note: is NASCAR and Adderall the most agreeable sport/drug combo in existence? Besides maybe steroids and weightlifting? Essentially, it turns humans into task-driven, jaw-clenching robots that sometimes have to deal with leaky seminal valves. If that doesn’t sound like a recipe for NASCAR dominance, I don’t know what does.

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