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NBA Previews

Pretty Much Screwed: The 2013-14 Chicago Bulls


Welcome to “Pretty Much Screwed,” our definitive guide to the upcoming NBA season. This team-by-team preview details why it’s probably not your favorite team’s year. Today we’ll talk about the Chicago Bulls and an ACL.

From 1991-1999, the Bulls (more or less) kept the Knicks, Pacers, Hawks, Hornets, and Magic from the NBA Finals. From 2010 on, the tables will be turned, and Chicago will see what that feels like to incur the wrath of an NBA dynasty in the making. It’s quite possible that Derrick Rose will never see a Western Conference team in a seven game series for close to a decade. You can thank LeBron James for that.

It’s true. The Bulls are at the beginning of chapter in their history where they’ll play exceptional basketball and have nothing to show for it but anguish. Your hearts will feel the pain that the rest of us NBA fans felt during the 90′s. Glad to return the favor.

Don’t get me wrong, the 2013-14 Chicago Bulls are excellent, top to bottom (which is why it’s going to hurt so bad when you repeatedly make the playoffs and lose to the Miami Heat). Noah seems to get better every year. Jimmy Butler is an excellent spot up shooter. Deng is Deng. Boozer is consistent as hell (though the holes in his game are glaring). Taj Gibson is a top notch defensive power forward. Mike Dunleavy can give you offense and veteran savvy off the bench. Kirk Heinrich won’t mess anything up when Derrick Rose isn’t on the floor. And of course, Marco Bellinelli and Nate Robinson give you instant offense.

What’s not to like?

Well, for starters, Marco Bellinelli and Nate Robinson aren’t around anymore (27 combined PPG last season).

Then there’s the fact that this team still doesn’t have an All-Star caliber second scoring option. That puts a lot of pressure on the defense going into a season where the Pacers, Knicks, and Nets offenses all improved.

But the Heat are still better, so it’s a moot point.

Now to Derrick Rose’s knee…

If he doesn’t blow it out this season, I’ll eat my favorite pet: Don Cattingly. That’s right, I will consume my one true love — a cat named after Yankees first baseman and current Los Angeles Dodgers manager Don Mattingly — if Derrick Rose plays an entire 82 game NBA season and doesn’t miss a playoff game. That’s how sure I am that the guy who barrels into defenses like an ADHD pitbull on mushrooms, will get hurting doing just that at some point this year. Who cares if he’s gained five inches on his vertical since we last saw him? That’s just five more inches he has to fall onto that infamous ACL.

Seriously, for every insane Derrick Rose highlight this season, the chance that he’ll get injured grows exponentially. You can’t tell me that driving, jumping, and landing like this — in a preseason game — lends itself to sustainable knee health.

Derrick Rose on Make A Gif

With him, you’re screwed because the Heat exist. Without him, you’re just a ponytailed shot blocker, some tepid offense, and three rookies from the wrong end of a crappy draft class. Good luck!

Actual Season Prediction: 49-33. Lose to the Heat in the Eastern Conference Finals.


  • d Kim

    You’re high as a kite if you think that any Thibodeau team is going to be > 50win regular season.

  • Michael Kern

    This guy is either retarded or just a stupid hear fan blowing smoke out of his ass. 5 inches means derrick was committed to his return and is in even better athletic shape if that’s even possible. Look what Adrian Peterson did on his questionable knee. They’re the same type of elite athlete. Gibson looks like an absolute beast this year and will start over boozer at some point this season. Now let’s look at the heat and the “great” lebron James. The only people that choke harder than him in the playoffs are the thunder of 2012 who were a superior team and the 2013 pacers and spurs who both had the heat dead to rights and should’ve won their series against the heat. And you talk about roses knee like he’s oden. Oh wait the heat have him. secondly wade is another year older and is looking more and more like he doesn’t know what basketball is. Except for once in a while when he looks like the old wade. And bosh? He might just be even more over rated than Carlos boozer if that’s even possible. The heat are one ray Allen three away from not winning their second title. The bulls roster is a scary one if you know anything about basketball. Noah is one of the best centers in the nba Gibson is one of the best defenders in the nba. Also deng who is the best lebron limiter out there. Enter jimmy butler who looks like he has all the potential to be just like Paul George and if I do recall butler did a pretty dn good job guarding lebron. And now rose.. In my opinion the best point guard in the nba and through the preseason looks every bit as good if not better than his former self. Health is the key to winning a championship in any professional sport. So this is why the heat will not three peat.

  • MaCc2much

    wrong knee..

  • janus

    pretty much lame

  • Knicksfan

    Truth hurts. It’s basically every team’s reality. Everyone knew it when the “Big” three went to Miami. They would be nearly impossible to beat. Look on the bright side though. If the Heat didn’t exist, you would probably be going to the Finals. I think Chicago can beat everybody else. Also, Melo’s a free agent this year. Chicago would be an ideal destination for a ring with Deng leaving SF open. That Chicago defense with D. Rose setting up Melo with wide open looks would be fun to watch. Only thing better would be Lebron coming to New York to join Melo.

  • NewsJunkie

    The 49-43 record predicted for the Bulls in this article just goes to show that this guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about. That’s about the same as last year’s record. Don’t think that’s going to happen.

  • NewsJunkie

    The Heat, if I remember, just got past Indiana and San Antonio last year. Unless Beasley and Oden actually come through for the team, something they have yet to do in their careers, it is unlikely that the Heat are an improved team.

  • knicksfan

    They don’t need to improve. They’re so far ahead of everyone that it’s not fair. They have better talent and they have better athletes. They give their role players small roles like shooting threes and playing defense and let their big three do the rest. It’s the rest of the league that needs to either get better or play perfectly just to beat them. The Spurs need real talent to compliment their almost perfect play. Indiana has talent but they make too many mistakes (turnovers, etc.).

  • mojo999

    You’re pretty much screwed. Start thinking about the Heat’s health, with James trying to cover for Wade’s fade and the odds of Oden panning out. You’re just rolling dice son.

  • PETA

    I feel sorry for this cat when this guy has to eat him.


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