Welcome to “Pretty Much Screwed,” our definitive guide to the upcoming NBA season. This team-by-team preview details why it’s probably not your favorite team’s year. Today: We’ll explain why the Brooklyn Nets are even more screwed than you think.
The Brooklyn Nets are Pretty Much Screwed for the 2013-2014 NBA Season.
For the Nets not to be Totally Screwed this year, these things need to happen.
– Their top-seven players must be healthy and fresh for the playoffs.
These players have an average age of over 32.4 years. These players are: Deron Williams, Joe Johnson, Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, Brook Lopez, Andrei Kirilenko and Jason Terry. If you make it eight and throw in Andray Blatche or Shaun Livingston, that number goes down, slightly. If you throw in Reggie Evans, it goes up, slightly. If you throw in Marko Jaric, you get his wife.
Yes, Marko Jaric is married to Adriana Lima. I need to go groom my moustache. What was I saying?
Oh, right. These players must virtually all be healthy for the playoffs. Coach Jason Kidd (that still feels weird to type) knows this and will adjust minutes accordingly, but asking them all to stay healthy and fresh for months is a tall task.
– If fully healthy, the Nets must play out of their minds, likely beat the Bulls or Pacers, and then beat the Heat.
Everybody needs to play out of their minds. If everyone plays out of their minds, this team can win the NBA Championship. But that’s asking for star production from Garnett and Pierce, who are ancient men of wisdom yet diminishing physical skill. Not to mention that Deron Williams needs to not suck like he did for much of last year. And Brook Lopez needs to play with descended testicles, something that doesn’t happen consistently. They get back up in there from time to time, especially when it comes reboundin’ time.
The Bulls are still favored to advance further than the Nets. The Bulls beat the Nets last year without Derrick Rose. The Nets are obviously much improved, but they’ll likely have to get through the Bulls before the Heat, and they’re fucked when it comes to beating the Heat.
– They’ll probably have to beat the Heat on the road.
Assuming everything goes swimmingly, despite the strong currents working against this rough swim, the Nets will make the playoffs as the No. 2 seed, beat some shitty team in Round 1, beat the Bulls or Pacers in Round 2 in a very close, taxing matchup, and then face the Heat. Without home-court advantage.
I’m not going to give analysis on this potential matchup, because many dominos have to fall in the right places for this matchup to happen, and if it does, many more dominos must fall for the Nets to win.
The Nets’ situation is simple: they’re “pretty much,” but not completely screwed this year. Everything could feasibly work out, and they could get a chance to beat the Heat. Then, anything can happen. If anything happens, the Nets are not screwed.
But this does not matter. The Nets may only be “pretty much” screwed this year, but, like the Knicks, are Completely Screwed in the future. They’re old and way into the luxury tax. Their only young star is Brook Lopez. Deron Williams is youngish, but has major health problems. Once Pierce and Garnett show their age, which could be as early as next year, the Nets will be scary-bad, with no assets to improve their team. It will be ugly.
1. Marko Jaric is married to Adriana Lima.
2. Marko Jaric is married to Adriana Lima.
SORRY I JUST CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.
3. Mikhail Prokhorov has two more seasons to win a championship, or he’ll punish himself by getting married.
4. Mikhail Prokhorov is the president of Russia’s biathlon union.
5. Only 8% of Russians knew that Mikhail Prokhorov was running for president of Russia.
He got 7.94% of votes.
Mikhail Prokhorov is the real Russian president.
Actual Season Prediction: 56-26, second in the Eastern Conference. Defeat Houston Rockets in NBA Finals. 2014 NBA Champions. (Hey, I said it was possible! And I’m a homer.)