Back in the early ’90s, when Michael Jordan was at his peak, McDonald’s decided it would capitalize on that fame by naming a burger after him: the McJordan Special. (Well, a burger they sold in a few select markets, anyway.) They did the same thing with Larry Bird, but in his case they called it the Big 33 Special. And when we say they did the same thing: the McJordan and Big 33 were literally the same burgers. Quarter-pound patty, bacon, cheese, pickles, onions… and barbecue sauce.
Fast forward 20 years. The McJordan (and Big 33) are distant memories. All we have left are reports of their existence and YouTube clips of old corny ads for them and WAIT A MINUTE WHAT IS THIS
That, friends, is a still-existing jug of the very BBQ sauce intended for use on a McJordan special from 1992. It, one would think, is the same stuff they put on McRibs today. We mean that literally, by the way; McDonald’s is probably still using the 20-year-old sauce every time they bring back McRibs for a spell.* We were initially alerted to this gem by Grist, a site focusing on environmental news, which we thought was strange until we realized that if you poured this stuff into a lake, every form of life inside it would immediately turn into Blinky, the three-eyed fish from The Simpsons.
The reason there was such hubbub over this container, though: it was being auctioned off. And it sold on eBay – for a cool $9,995. The identity of the lucky new owner is unknown, but the very lucky seller is named Mort Bank (if that fake-sounding name is indeed not an alias to hide Michael Jordan’s identity), and he used to own and operate a McDonald’s himself. He still had the McJordan sauce lying around – we assume he was using it as weed killer.
Phil Jackson a mystery person has it. And we hope Phil Jackson that mystery person enjoys it, because don’t let the 1992 expiration date fool you: that sauce will be around forever. It will not biodegrade. If you poured it on the ground, nothing, up to and including nuclear war, the ensuing nuclear winter, and the sun burning out, could make it budge. Forget cockroaches – it will kill the cockroaches. The McJordan sauce will be the last product of civilization standing when it’s all over. $9,995? It was a bargain to acquire the future final vestige of humanity itself.
*Blanket note that any and all McDonald’s sassing contained herein is merely a cover for my desire for a McJordan special – with no pickles, though. Pickles suck.