NBATabloid Fodder

NBA Boyfriend Power Rankings: The Southwest Division Is A Freaking Wasteland Of Possible Boyfriend Talent

Ladies: I’m choosing one Imaginary NBA Boyfriend for every team, in each division, then ranking them. Basically, if you’re stuck watching a game somewhere in which you have no rooting interest, this will give you something to pay attention to.

Michael Jordan Places Last In This Edition Of NBA Boyfriend Power Rankings

(N.B. I have nothing but the utmost respect for people who follow basketball year round, but I maintain that you are allowed to be whatever kind of sports fan you want to be, and I choose to focus on on players’ food preferences, intra-league friendships and courtside celebrations.)

The following rankings are based on players’ quirks — who they’re friends with, what their hobbies are, the silly handshakes they have with their teammates, what kinds of ridiculous, embarrassing photos they’ve taken with their bros over the years. These factors (and also handsomeness and likability and team record) are key in determining my Imaginary NBA Boyfriend Power Rankings, Southwest Division. Let’s do this.

1. Goran Dragic, Houston Rockets

When I lived in Phoenix, I knew a handful of Suns players at any given time: Steve Nash, Amar’e Stoudemire, Grant Hill, Leandro Barbosa, Shaquille O’Neal, and Goran Dragic (or, as a friend used to call him, “Puff The Magic Dragic.”) He speaks four languages. And look at that face! I have a soft spot for NBA players who look like they time traveled onto the court from parts unknown and are totally surprised to be there.

Just get married, already.

Drawbacks:

Hahahahahaha. Aw.

2. Boris Diaw, San Antonio Spurs

Because I grew up in Phoenix, it’s very hard for me to think favorably about the Spurs long enough to choose an imaginary NBA boyfriend. What can I say — I’m crippled by bias! However, if you’re dead set on making a San Antonio Spur your dude, you could do worse than Boris Diaw. His full name is Boris Babacar Diaw-Riffiod. He’s Senegalese and French, making him the only French Spur who hasn’t cheated on his wife, and he started a foundation called Babac’Ards to develop youth sports programs in African countries. Also, he used to be a Phoenix Sun. And in this picture he hardly looks like he wants to be a Spur.

Drawbacks: Um, how can I put this delicately. There’s been a bit of talk about your imaginary boyfriend’s weight? Is everything okay at home? Also, his love of photography means he’s traveling a lot and hanging out with lions and stuff — risky stuff, that’s all.

NEXT: Back the eff up, Tony Allen.

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