Welcome to “Pretty Much Screwed,” our 2012-13 guide to the upcoming NBA season in which SportsGrid’s acid-tounged writers identify the reason why your team should probably start looking forward to 2013-2014.
It’s like Daryl Morey looks at a successful NBA team, takes a giant dump on a print out of its roster and then signs mid-level role players to surround the ghost of Yao Ming. It’s particularly ironic that Morey once followed this in-vogue formula when he built a successful contender by pairing together two superstars (Ming, McGrady) and filled the subsequent roster spots with adequate role players. The model crumbled because Yao Ming crumbled, but barring injury this team was built was for multi-year success.
Eventually the whole thing had to be torn down, and Houston’s been stuck in this non-contender-non-Bobcats limbo ever since. Finally, this offseason, Morey stockpiled draft picks in an apparent attempt to lure Dwight Howard to Orlando – a ploy that would have immediately vaulted Houston to a championship contender or, at worst, resulted in gigantic cap space to truly rebuild should Howard sign elsewhere come the 2013 offseason. But no! He actually used ALL THREE mid-1st round picks in an effort to sign more small forwards than David Kahn and create the biggest clusterfuck ever. If the Howard deal fell through, at least trade up to acquire a franchise player – Jeremy Lamb looks about as terrifying as an injured panda, Royce White is a huge risk due to his health concerns, and Terrence Jones is the shit stain of Kentucky basketball, not quite good enough to leave after one year. He also happened to spoil John Calipari’s all-freshman national championship team wet dream. It is a fact that he faps to mosaics of the Fab Five routinely.
And then there’s the self-pity party that is Jeremy Lin. It’s like Morey thinks everyone will forget that he cut Lin by offering him an insanely bloated contract while waving a giant middle finger at James Dolan (applause) DERP ASIA ANALYTICS DERP. And then he signs Omer Asik because Yao Ming could no longer fulfill his soft-spoken tall man fantasy. Otherwise, we’re really excited for the upcoming season in Houston.
Actual season prediction: They’ll probably finish at the bottom of the Western Conference because they’re clearly in a rebuilding mode. But Linsanity in Texas! Texas loves Asians!