5:42 pm, April 23rd, 2014
Earlier this year, rumors surfaced that Phil Jackson would require complete control of the New York Knicks’ basketball operations were he to come in and help out. Knicks fans predictably scoffed. But James Dolan held firm, stating at Jackson’s introductory press conference that he was ceding all authority to the 11-time NBA champion “willingly and gratefully.”
Everyone believed him, assuming that it’d be awfully embarrassing to renege on such a necessary promise to leave the basketball up to the basketball “experts.”
Then this report surfaced after Phil Jackson fired the entire Knicks coaching staff.
The New York Daily News] According to the source, Dolan’s reaction to Jackson’s request was to tell the 11-time NBA championship coach to simply focus his attention on building a winning team. To say that “minor friction,” as one Garden source called it, can be classified as Jackson’s honeymoon with Dolan being over may be stretching it a bit.
Despite denying the reports in a press conference Wednesday morning, the overwhelming confidence of the New York Knicks’ fan base has be rattled, as they’re most definitely worried Dolan didn’t mean a thing he said last month, as this story was evidence of a return to business as usual.
Who knows if that’s the case?
Answer: An 8-year-old Knicks fan.
Seriously, we asked an 8-year-old Knicks fan from New Haven, Connecticut, to explain what happened with Phil and Jim, and had him tell us the story of how everything will shake out in the coming years.
Through drawings. (We’ve interpreted them on his behalf.)
New York is great big city with a very bad basketball team that makes the people who live there very mad. Also, a giant ape still terrorizes the city's skyscrapers, despite video evidence it had been shot down over 80 years ago in a movie. People just give it the finger now.
The basketball team was called "The Knicks." The Knicks were bad at sharing, and because of it, some of their players died, but the fans who spent good money to go to the games didn't care. They wanted an NBA championship, and that seemed like it would never happen. We believe the players pictured here to be Iman Shumpert and Carmelo Anthony, although that could be Kenyon Martin. Not sure.
The man who was in charge of the Knicks was named "James." He was short, kind of orange, and had big, fake teeth. He was also very rich -- by no fault of his own. He couldn't stop messing with the team, despite admittedly knowing nothing about basketball. Because of this, James made the Knicks bad, left his money in piles on the floor of his bedroom, and had a statue of himself.
We think. Either that, or he had a mini-me.
One day, James decided to make the fans happy and call Phil. Phil was very good at making basketball teams win championships -- which was what the people of New York wanted. James told Phil, "I want you to come help make the Knicks a championship team."
Phil said, "I'm busy meditating."
Apparently Phil can levitate.
Phil was famous for something called "The Triangle." Only a few people knew what "The Triangle" was, but it had magical powers and could make a team play sound, cohesive, team-basketball. It had three sides and was red.
James told Phil, in front of everyone in New York, that he would give him complete control of the Knicks. Phil said that the only way to use the triangle, was if he assembled a secret team of special coaches and players, and built the team the way the triangle wanted it. James promised he'd stop making decisions, because he admitted he wasn't good at those.
Things looked like the Knicks would finally have a chance to win an NBA championship.
So James gave Phil millions of dollars to bring his triangle to New York and use it to make the Knicks really good at basketball. He gave him so much money that Phil almost died under the weight of all the dollar bills. Phil survived, but because of the damage from all the money, he said could not coach the team or even be at the games, because he was so hurt.
The first thing Phil did was get rid of all the old, stinky coaches James had hired. He was nice about it, but he told them they all had to leave New York. Phil needed to hire an entirely new staff.
Then, out of nowhere, James told Phil he couldn't do that because he loved Herb Williams or something like that. Phil was really surprised.
"I thought you said I had complete control?" Phil told James.
"Eat shit and die," James said in an angry voice.
"I own this company and I'm a crazy person without regard for the well-being of anyone in New York."
This was a very, very bad sign.
James had Phil hold a press conference to say that everything was going great. Apparently he scared him with a gun, which is strange, because Phil clearly can fly. Why didn't Phil fly away?
Who knows. All that mattered was that James was up to his old tricks again, and the Knicks chances of a championship were fading.
Carmelo, their best player, said "Fuck this," and left to play in Chicago for a good team.
James spun Carmelo's departure as a good thing, citing Carmelo's lack of playoff success and something about cap space. The fans believed this, despite knowing that Carmelo was, objectively, the best player to play on the Knicks since Patrick Ewing.
When Phil said that they probably should start rebuilding through the draft, James would whip him.
"Bad Phil!" he'd yell.
"That's a very bad Phil! We need older players well passed their prime."
He had this quote tattoo'd on his bicep since 2000.
Then Carmelo beat the Knicks in the first round of playoffs the very next season, and managed to win his first ever NBA championship with the Bulls (despite developing what looks like acute Scoliosis).
This made the people of New York very sad.
Things would get worse, as James was now operating with impunity as the manager of the Knicks, seeing as everyone thought the moves being made were Phil's ideas.
James decided it'd be a great idea to trade a lottery pick for bad boy DeMarcus Cousins. Phil advised against this, but James just kept whipping him.
"I hate draft picks!" James said.
"I want boogie!"
So he gave the Kings a bunch of future picks that'd end up being used to draft an exciting, star-studded team, which would compete for titles every year for the next decade.
So Phil decided enough was enough, and presumably floated into the woods of Montana, where he was from.
This made James very mad, and he sought to find Phil to whip him some more for leaving. However, because he was so small/orange, he could not go into the forest, as he feared he would be mistaken for a woodland creature and get eaten by Timberwolves. James only knew nature via NBA franchise nicknames (he was also very scared of thunder).
The people of New York became very angry, and once again protested James to make the Knicks better. They made signs that said things like "LIAR" and "SHOT." Wait, does that say "SHIT"?
James responded by selling the Knicks for one dollar, because he was sick of getting yelled at and he didn't need the stress, seeing as he was very rich and wanted to spend more time playing with his band, "J.D. and the Straight Shots."
He wasn't very good at that, either.
Because he put the team up for sale for such a small amount of money, a monster bought the Knicks, which angered/scared the people of New York.
"Oh no, a monster!" people probably said.
"We'll never win a championship now, he'll eat all the players," we assume was said at some point.
Then, just as the Monster and James were making the deal to give the Knicks away, a triangle appeared, which was portal to an alternate dimension for entitled rich kids who own NBA franchises.
It wanted James.
"No! I don't want to go back to Exeter!" he shouted as it sucked him in.
Then the monster took off his head, revealing the face of Phil. He had been in costume the whole time, in order to buy back the Knicks and help them finally win an NBA championship, once and for all.
Everyone was thrilled, except scientists, who were terrified that their conception of physics was completely wrong, as inter-dimensional portals destroyed the basis for all science. Oops!
He fielded a team of what appear to be all Michael Jordans, and coached them to New York's first title in 50 years.