NBAWeird But True

Memphis, Do We Need To Talk About How To Touch An NBA Player’s Butt?

There are a few ways to respectfully touch an athlete’s butt. This is not one of them.

Off the top, I can think of two good reasons why one might touch an NBA player on the buttocks. Perhaps they made a good play, a hustle play, and you want to reward them with physical contact. A high-five won’t always do it, because those can be awkward and if you miss the guy’s hand, it will look stupid. So you go for the butt-slap, and it’s all good. Just some good ol’ fashioned congratulatory butt slapping.

Perhaps a player has fallen down, like Marc Gasol did in Game 2 against the Clippers. Let’s say you’re sitting behind the player — like in your seat, at the arena — when he falls. You want to help, so you give him a hand. You can provide a good lift from that angle. Nothing wrong there. And that’s what should have happened here.

But there’s just one problem: in both of these situations, the person touching the butt must use all five fingers and the palm. It’s a fact. Those five fingers and the palm together tell the player and his butt that you’ve got his back, but not in a creepy, touchy-feely kind of way. You cannot, under any circumstances, use more than five fingers (a two handed butt slap is unheard of) or, as we see in this case, less.

So listen, Memphis. You can congratulate your players. You can help them when they fall. But you can’t use two fingers (and maybe your tucked-in thumb) to do it. You’ve got to commit, with your whole hand, 100 percent, or stay in your seat and drink your very expensive bottled water. Otherwise, people will post your photo on the web and ridicule you. For an example of that, re-read this article.

[Photo via 30FPS]