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An Unbiased Barack Obama Basketball Scouting Report From Beer-Swilling Bro Of Note Tucker Max

Tucker Max is a self-aware, honest asshole. This is clear in his writings, most notably, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Tucker Max regularly played pickup basketball with Barack Obama when the vulgar author was a mere disengaged student at the University of Chicago, and the President was a mere law professor. One went on to lead the greatest country in the world, the other wrote at length about his demeaning, boozy sexual conquests. But then, on the basketball court, they were equals.

Most people would probably go easy on the POTUS when describing his basketball abilities. Not Tucker Max.

So when asked about Obama’s hoops skills, Max gave an honest scouting report.

“He’s a solid basketball player, one of the best professors who played with us. He’s not great, but he isn’t just out there for show. He can play a little.”

“But I didn’t fear him at all, not as a defender or an offensive player… if I stayed close to him, I would shut him down without much problem, and that was true for most of the undergrads who were good.”

“I do remember that he had a good understanding of the game… And he would hit open jumpshots if left alone… just this knowledge of the game made him fun to play with.”

“He didn’t have what basketball players call ‘old man game.’…He would beat you if given space, but if you played even half decent defense on him, you could take him out of the game.”

“He played point guard a lot, but I don’t remember him as a dominant court leader… I can’t think of a game winning shot he hit, or a game he just took over, or anything like that. Then again, I can’t think of him blowing a game either, or making some horrible mistake. He was just a very good role player to have on your team.”

“I saw so many people pick him first, and then get burned because he didn’t play up to that pick. He was a great third option for your team though, like a Ron Harper to Jordan and Pippen.”

“He never called BS ticky-tack fouls. But he also didn’t let you hack him. He was fair. He never really complained about anything… unless it was an obvious wrong call, then he would say something… He was always a very nice, sincere guy, to everyone.”

“If there was some conflict on the court… he was always a voice of calm and reason… He never got wrapped up in the outcome of the game, like some people who play as if its life or death. He tried hard, but never crossed the competitiveness line, he was always under control. I can’t ever remember him rattled, like some of the other professors would get.”

NBA comparison: A lovable Shane Battier (oxymoron aside).

[Huffington Post]

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