Each week we’ll bring you the AP’s college basketball rankings along with serious, measured, professional analysis. Let’s get to Week 17!
1. Florida (46)
The Gators beat Vanderbilt and LSU last week. Does anyone know if the Tuttles are LSU boosters? How close is Baton Rouge to Carcosa?
2. Wichita State (14)
The Shockers beat Bradley and Missouri State last week to finish the season 31-0. As always, it is most important to pick nits and not enjoy their accomplishment.
3. Arizona (5)
The Wildcats beat California and Stanford last week. They also picked up a first place vote from Florida, a curious change that will have no effect on anything.
The Blue Devils beat Virginia Tech last week. That’s it. That’s all they had to do. It was, shockingly, not a close game.
The Cavaliers beat Miami and Syracuse last week to win the ACC. The latter was thanks, in part, to an Orange Out that neutralized the Orange’s greatest strength.
The Wildcats beat Butler and Marquette last week. No word on how they fared in the cafeteria against butter and margarine.
The Orange beat Maryland and lost to Virginia last week. Clearly, a loss to BC will send any team into a devastating tailspin. That’s why the Eagles have chosen to win so few games this year – they understood the responsibility they’ve been given.
The Jayhawks beat Oklahoma and lost to Oklahoma State to lock up their tenth straight Big 12 championship. No snark, that’s really impressive.
The Badgers beat Indiana and Penn State last week, allowing them to remain an outside contender for a 1 seed. Should they get it, they will have a top pick in the upcoming seed draft. I understand they’re leaning towards chickpeas, assuming soybeans have already been taken.
10. San Diego State
The Aztecs beat San Jose State and Fresno State last week, once again winning the vaunted California College City Cup.
The Cardinals beat Temple and lost to Memphis last week. They are unlikely to play the Owls again any time soon, so they will have to pause their assault on religion for now.
The Wolverines beat Purdue and Minnesota last week. Meanwhile, Mitch McGary’s campaign to promote French drama The Returned has not gained much traction.
The Blue Jays lost to Xavier last week. They also lost Isaiah Zierdan to a series of unnatural contortions.
14. North Carolina
The Tar Heels beat NC State and Virginia Tech last week. They’ve turned their season around, in part, because of Marcus Paige.
The Bearcats lost to UConn last week. This was in addition to the ref behaving inappropriately.
16. Iowa State
The Cyclones beat West Virginia and lost to Kansas State last week. Unfortunately, despite their resume, the Wildcats will not be allowed into the rankings until they’ve been domesticated.
17. Saint Louis
The Billikens lost to Duquesne and VCU last week, doubling their losses for the season. I think darker forces may have been at play against the Rams though.
The Mustangs beat UCF last week despite a smaller student turnout than usual. This prompted Larry Brown, who is never happy anywhere, to once again act like a grump.
The Huskies beat South Florida and Cincinnati last week, ending their hibernation and making their customary March return to the rankings.
The Tigers lost to Houston and beat Louisville last week, because they are not interested in furthering themselves.
21. New Mexico
The Lobos beat Utah State and Nevada last week. As is tradition for all tournament-bound New Mexico teams, after their home finale against Air Force his week, they will bury a Falcons player under The Pit.
22. Michigan State
The Spartans lost to Illinois last week. Attempting to distract reporters from the reality that his team is a mess, after the game Tom Izzo went on a 15-minute rant about the potential manifestations of Cthulhu in the season finale of True Detective.
The Sooners lost to Kansas and beat Texas last week. Due to travel constraints, this was the beginning of a modified schedule in which they can only go directly north or south. They will finish the season against Nebraska, South Dakota State, and the University of Monterrey.
The Hawkeyes lost to Minnesota and Indiana last week before salvaging a win against Purdue. I honestly don’t know how they’re still ranked.
The Wildcats lost to Arkansas and South Carolina last week. Despite completely falling apart, they remain in the rankings through sheer force of petulance.
Also receiving votes: Brawls that we will overreact to, Jason Brickman, Wesley Iwundu’s ingenuity, NAIA dunks, jurniors, Mark Turgeon continuing to be a crazy person, gargoyles, getting it over with, enthusiasm.
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