NCAA Football

College Football Top 25: Snap Judgments And Sarcasm For Each Team

Each week, we’ll bring you the AP’s college football rankings, and throw in our patented mix of bitchy sarcastic analysis and incredibly premature snap judgements. Enjoy!

1. Alabama (48 first-place votes)

The Crimson Tide beat Western Kentucky 35-0 in a game that showed off their dominance. However, they were only up 21-0 at halftime, a smaller differential than they’d had against Michigan. As such, Nick Saban made offensive coordinator Doug Nussmeier walk home. At halftime.

2. USC (8)

Matt Barkley threw 6 touchdown passes as USC beat Syracuse 42-29 in a surprisingly close game. Annoyingly, the game was delayed for hours because of lightning Lane Kiffin poached from a nearby low pressure system.

3. LSU (4)

Their game with Washington was as decisive as the 41-3 score indicates, but it was not without tension. At halftime, Les Miles was seen discussing offensive strategy with a wall in the locker room. The exchange appeared to become heated, but Miles eventually came around to see the wall’s point of view.

4. Oregon

The Ducks beat Fresno State 42-25 because they are faster than everything else, but despite the win, tears were shed in Eugene. Labor Day has passed, so obviously the Ducks can no longer white – leaving only 786 other possible uniform permutations.

5. Oklahoma (tie)

The Sooners beat Florida A&M 69-13 because that is what they were supposed to do. It’s hard to draw a connection between this performance and their subpar outing in the opener, and I’d sooner not try. (I’ll show myself out).

5. Florida State (tie)

They beat Savannah State 55-0 in a game so lopsided that when it was called halfway through the third quarter due to weather, they had been playing with a running clock. In their two games this season, the Tigers have netted $660,000 and been outscored 139-0.

7. Georgia

The Bulldogs welcomed Missouri to the SEC with a 41-20 victory. The Tigers kept it close into the fourth quarter, at which point Georgia scored 17 points and put the game out of reach. It was a respectable start for Missouri, especially since they are just a swarm of bumble bees.

8. South Carolina

Backup quarterback Dylan Thompson stepped in for the injured Connor Shaw, throwing for 330 yards and three touchdowns en route to a 48-10 win over East Carolina. Shaw has never thrown for that many yards, which means there might be an Ol’ Quarterback Controversy under the Ol’ Ball Coach. Those always end well.

9. West Virginia

The Mountaineers did not play because TCU didn’t play in Week 1 and West Virginia likes to follow them everywhere. They play James Madison Saturday.

10. Michigan State

The Spartans began their dominion over the rest of Michigan’s universities, beating Central Michigan 41-7 with continued sturdy play across the board. They still have Michigan and Eastern Michigan on the schedule, and they should be the favorite in both games. They sought a game with Western Michigan as well, but the Broncos hid in a well until Michigan State had walked away.

11. Clemson

With Sammy Watkins still inactive (stupidity), the Tigers had no problem moving the ball though the air. They beat Ball State 52-27, and when Watkins returns I imagine hellfire will just rain down on the secondaries of Clemson’s opponents.

12. Ohio State

Braxton Miller seems capable of doing just about anything on the football field. He ran for 141 yards and 3 touchdowns while completing 75% of his passes along with 155 yards and 1 touchdown. With those numbers, it seems like OSU should have done better than a 31-16 win over UCF. But Miller was exhausted from cleaning the stadium before the game. Seriously, he literally does everything for them.

13. Virginia Tech

The Hokies beat Austin Peay 42-7 with some Beamerball, including a blocked punt and a lengthy punt return that set up a touchdown. It was not prominent in this game, but few sports cheers delight me more than, “Let’s Go Peay!” I am a child.

14. Texas

They beat New Mexico 45-0 because the Lobos aren’t very good at football. Since these states border each other, shouldn’t this be more of a rivalry? As it is, Mack Brown needs to pump his team up with fictional slights: “They sullied our streets with blue meth! Let’s bring them to justice!”

15. Kansas State

Kansas State: Hey, want to come to Kansas to walk into a buzz saw?
Miami: Sure.
Kansas State: That buzz saw is named Collin Klein, and we’re going to make you look like an FCS school en route to a 52-13 win.
Miami: Sounds good.
Kansas State: Seriously, we’re going to embarrass you in every phase of the game.
Miami: Word.

16. TCU

The Horned Frogs finally decided to play football, beating Grambling 56-0. They didn’t enjoy it, though.

17. Michigan

The Wolverines had trouble with Air Force, eventually emerging with a 31-25 win thanks to 208 yards passing and 218 yards rushing from Denard Robinson. He had an unfair advantage, though: military regulations require all football players to tie their shoes before playing.

18. Florida

Although Texas A&M played well enough to prove that they belong in the SEC, the Gators managed to win 20-17. This game once again proved the adage that the SEC can mess with Texas.

19. Louisville

Teddy Bridgewater had 2 touchdown passes and a career-high 344 passing yards as the Cardinals walked over Missouri State 35-7. Now, if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go write a script where I name every character Teddy Bridgewater.

20. Notre Dame

The Fighting Irish eked by Purdue 20-17, allowing them to continue saying that they are undefeated. Tread carefully everyone, we are perilously close to a bevy of “Notre Dame is back!” stories. If they beat Michigan State next week (or Michigan the week after), it’s all over.

21. Stanford

The Cardinal beat Duke 50-13 behind two return touchdowns and solid play from quarterback Josh Nunes. Duke has an apparent aversion to the forward pass though, so take this win with a grain of NaCl (academic zing!).

22. UCLA

After a surprising aerial display in Week 1, Nebraska’s Taylor Martinez regressed to his usual mediocre passing. In contrast, UCLA’s Brett Hundley had 305 yards and 4 touchdowns. UCLA emerged with the win in what could be a Rose Bowl prev- (sorry, couldn’t say that without laughing uncontrollably).

23. Tennessee

The Volunteers beat Georgia State 51-13, reminding the rest of the country that they do, in fact, still play football.

24. Arizona

The Wildcats gave Oklahoma State a taste of their own medicine, winning 59-38 despite 436 passing yards and 4 touchdowns from OSU freshman Wes Lunt. It didn’t take long for Rich Rodriguez to make an impact in the blistering heat of Arizona (sorry: dry heat).

25. Brigham Young

The Cougars have earned their ranking by beating Washington State 30-6 and Weber State 45-13. I know, murderer’s row. If you want to call them the Mormon Notre Dame, I won’t stop you. However, if you want to call them the Baha’I Notre Dame, I will stop you. That would be weird.

Also receiving votes: Jeff Van Gundy, SEC newcomers, unranked matchups, Chris Spielman’s trench coat suit, Southern Utah hail maries, Le’Veon Bell truck sticking into the end zone, Collin Klein, Bobby Petrino, Savannah State’s treasurer.