Auburn Tree Murderer Released From Jail With Ridiculous Mustache
The man who poisoned the Toomer’s Corner oaks on Auburn’s campus, Harvey Updyke, was just released from jail sporting the early favorite for mustache of the year.
Updyke was released from jail after serving a 76 day sentence for the poisoning. He had no comments for the media, but we can only assume the media were speechless after seeing the mustache live in person and didn’t seek out an interview. He had one request upon his release according to his attorney:
“He wanted a banana and he got a banana.”
A simple man with very complicated taste in mustaches.
Harvey knows when your serving hard time it’s always a good idea try to impersonate a walrus. Nothing says “Don’t fuck with me” like a well shaped Yosemite Sam. It’s like scaring a bear away by raising your arms, it makes you seem slightly bigger to any would-be attackers.
I assume Alabama jails aren’t divided by races or gangs, but college football. In the case of Harvey Updyke, it appears the roll-tide faction rallied around him and his mustache and got him out unharmed. America thanks you.