Each week, we’ll bring you the AP’s college football rankings, and throw in our patented mix of bitchy sarcastic analysis and incredibly premature snap judgments. Let’s get to Week 3!
1. Alabama (59)
The Tide went to College Station and beat A&M 49-42 in a thrilling sequel to Alabama’s only loss last season. It was a record-setting game in many ways, including the 42 points the Tide defense gave up, which are more than they’ve given up in a victory in school history. Nick Saban is acutely aware of this.
2. Oregon (1)
The Ducks welcomed Tennessee to town with a 59-14 thrashing, the Volunteers’ worst loss since 1910. Oregon didn’t even take the game seriously, dressing the way they did because De’Anthony Thomas likes to pretend he’s the Golden Snitch.
Clemson took the week off to break the Yom Kippur fast with Georgia, Miami, and Florida. They play NC State Thursday night.
4. Ohio State
With Braxton Miller still hurt, Kenny Guiton stepped in and led the Buckeyes to a 52-34 win at Cal. When asked what he thought of Berkeley, Urban Meyer said, “I don’t think of towns, the arbitrary organization of land borders serves only to guide me when hunting recruits.” When a reporter asked if he meant “recruiting recruits,” Meyer attempted to smile before putting on his sunglasses, grabbing the reporter’s car keys, and stealing her car.
The Cardinal did what they had to do, distancing themselves from Army in the second half and winning 34-20. The game was effectively a 9:00 AM start for the Stanford players, unless they shifted their schedule all week to account for for the time zone difference. Maybe it was like a 10:00 AM start for them. Maybe Stanford only recruits players with elastic circadian rhythms. We don’t really know.
The Tigers had a strong all-around game, beating Kent State 45-13 at home. After the game, Les Miles, who has reportedly entered his cubist phase, compared Zach Mettenberger’s three touchdown passes to a rhombus he had drawn earlier.
The Cardinals were not dominant, but they did emerge with a 27-13 victory over nominal football rival Kentucky. Running back Senorise Perry had two rushes for touchdowns and is currently the FBS player most predisposed to senioritis.
8. Florida State
The Seminoles nearly had a simulated walkthrough, beating Nevada 62-7 at home. After the game, when asked what he thought of the Wolf Pack, Seminoles quarterback Jameis Winston said he was excited that he was going to play them.
Georgia arrived to Clemson’s Yom Kippur dinner without Aaron Murray, who spent three hours fashioning a yarmulke for Uga IX. They play North Texas on Saturday.
10. Texas A&M
Despite a banner day from Johnny Manziel, the Aggies could not get past Alabama, falling 49-42. On a bright note, no one’s accused him of doing molly yet.
11. Oklahoma State
The Cowboys, who may or may not have hade a tough week, welcomed Lamar to Stillwater and promptly destroyed them 59-3. After the game, Mike Gundy went up to Khloe Kardashian and used his only pick-up line, “Come after me!” It was not effective.
12. South Carolina
The Gamecocks beat Vanderbilt by an ugly 35-25 score at home. Jadeveon Clowney recorded a sack and a forced fumble and generally had a more representative effect on his team’s defensive efforts. Feeling relief, after the game he let out a scream so thunderous that confused residents of Jerusalem mistook it for the shofar.
The Bruins traveled to Lincoln and dismantled the Cornhuskers 41-21. They will be awarded the Bruinhusker Trophy, which is so hideous and in such poor taste that I won’t even link to a picture.
With Trevor Knight injured, the Belldozer got the start at quarterback, winning 51-20 in Norman. Amazingly, this game is not considered a rivalry. Do the Sooners know that Tulsa is in Oklahoma?
The Wolverines survived a serious upset scare, beating a bad Akron team 28-24 at home on a goal-line stand at the end of the game. When informed that his alma mater had almost lost to the Zips, Denard Robinson flew into an uncontainable rage, as his hatred of shoelaces is surpassed only by his hatred of zippers.
16. Miami (FL)
Miami showed up late to Clemson’s fast breaking, and some members of the team forgot to fast. They play Savannah State on Saturday.
The Huskies traveled to Soldier Field and beat Illinois 34-24. They were led by running back Bishop Sankey’s career-high 208 rushing yards and his incredibly disciplined style of slash cuts.
The Wildcats ran all over Western Michigan, recording a 38-17 win at home. The Broncos were led by quarterback Tyler Van Tubbergen, who is the heir to minivan, inner tubing, and gin fortunes.
The Gators had to cancel on Clemson at the last minute, citing their players’ exhaustion, because Will Muschamp misunderstood the concept of fasting and made his players do sprints outside a synagogue. They play Tennessee on Saturday.
Baylor was not invited to Clemson’s Yom Kippur dinner because they are a Baptist school. Citing religious persecution, they did not disclose the reason for their bye week. They play Louisiana-Monroe on Saturday.
21. Ole Miss
The Rebels welcomed old/new Texas defensive coordinator Greg Robinson with a 44-23 victory. Ole Miss attributes their resurgence this season to the effort’s of their European recruiting arm, Swiss Miss.
22. Notre Dame
The Fighting Irish scored 21 fourth quarter points, beating Purdue 31-24 in West Lafayette. This is one of three matchups in which Notre Dame plays for a shillelagh trophy, because of course it is.
23. Arizona State
The Sun Devils beat Wisconsin at home in one of the strangest final plays ever. When asked after the game what he was thinking, Joel Stave looked at the sky, remarked on how beautiful the stars are, and then asked everyone what they thought of the new Riddick movie.
The Badgers lost to Arizona State in a confounding way, as we noted above. After the game, Bret Bielema’s wife Jen attributed the Wisconsin loss to karma because she could not think of any appropriate Taoist concepts to describe the situation.
25. Texas Tech
The Red Raiders beat TCU 20-10 in Lubbock, although quarterback Baker Mayfield may have been lost to injury. Despite my repeated entreaties, this game has still not been named the Christian Science Bowl, and the Christian Science Monitor has not responded to my emails.
Also receiving votes: Kasual Kingsbury, Maryland’s plane, crushing the punter’s dreams, the Cy-Hawk Trophy, Lane Kiffin’s job security, self-passes, the rally fox, CBS forgetting what they’re talking about, BJ Lowery, SEC trolling, and obviously Johnny Football.
Photo via Getty