Each week, we’ll bring you the AP’s college football rankings, and throw in our patented mix of bitchy sarcastic analysis and incredibly premature snap judgments. Let’s get to Week 9!
1. Alabama (55)
Continuing their cool dominance, the Crimson Tide beat Tennessee 45-10 in Tuscaloosa. Strangely, after the game Nick Saban told AJ McCarron to keep the offense weird.
2. Oregon (3)
Although it was closer than usual, the Ducks pulled away from UCLA in the fourth quarter and won 42-14. Meanwhile, Colt Lyerla’s departure from the team continues to go swimmingly.
3. Florida State (2)
The Seminoles put this game away in the first quarter, opening a 35-0 lead over NC State that would become a 49-17 win. After the game, Jameis Winston announced that football is too easy for him, and he intends to try collegiate lacrosse and golf going forward.
4. Ohio State
In a relatively rare blowout, the Buckeyes beat Penn State 63-14. After the game, Urban Meyer mutely stared at reporters for ten minutes and then walked back into the locker room.
In a matchup no one thought would be a real game, the Bears had 505 yards in the first half en route to a 59-14 win over Kansas. In response, Jayhawks fans have lost their minds.
Continuing their industrious play, the Cardinal contained Oregon State’s offense and recorded a 20-12 win. Nothing interesting was said or done during or after the game.
7. Miami (FL)
In classic #goacc fashion, the Hurricanes barely survived Wake Forest 24-21. It was not all bad for the Demon Deacons though, the Hurricanes have never had a head coach as fashionable as Peahead Walker, who Jim Grobe is poised to pass for most all-time wins at Wake Forest.
The Tigers went out of conference, beating Florida Atlantic 45-10. This is the same score Alabama won by, because the Iron Bowl is a fiercer and more complex confrontation than I could possibly understand.
In a solid but not spectacular game, the Tigers beat Maryland 40-27. They’ll just watch the ACC for you, FSU. Go do your thing.
Hoping to effectively end the SEC East race, the Tigers instead lost to South Carolina 27-24 in double overtime. Thankfully, Mizzou fans don’t seem to have anointed themselves the best fans in college football. Yet.
The Tigers went out of conference, beating Furman 48-16 and holding the Paladins under 200 total yards. After the game, Les Miles refused to talk about football and instead spoke for 45 minutes about the lies perpetrated by the Paladins in Charlemagne’s court.
12. Texas A&M
The Aggies were not bothered by Vanderbilt, beating the Commodores 56-24. Since commodore is a higher rank than captain, should Vanderbilt have team commodores instead of team captains? Or should they just have one commodore and a few captains below him? Or is that the head coach’s role? Whatever the answer, they should be taking greater advantage of this.
Because they’re good at hanging around, the Sooners beat Texas Tech 38-30. Despite the win, I think Bob Stoops’ players are beginning to grow tired of his bland platitudes.
14. South Carolina
Reinserting some intrigue into the SEC East race, the Gamecocks beat Missouri 27-24 in double overtime. After the game, Steve Spurrier included this, “All you can do as a play-caller is keep calling plays.” Perhaps not his best.
15. Texas Tech
Falling in an “upset” that surprised just about no one, the Red Raiders lost to Oklahoma 38-30. It was an especially rough day for Kliff Kingsbury, who looked across the field all game and saw Bob Stoops, the Ghost of Saturday Yet to Come.
16. Fresno State
In a surprisingly competitive game, the Bulldogs beat San Diego State 35-28 in overtime. As matchups between city-states go, this was no Athens-Sparta. It was maybe Corinth-Thebes. Maybe.
Despite keeping pace with Oregon for three quarters, the Bruins were ultimately not able to stop the Ducks, falling 42-14. However, one thing the teams could agree on was the inspiration they gained from De’Anthony Thomas dancing like no one was watching.
18. Oklahoma State
The Cowboys showed more spark than usual, beating Iowa State 58-27. Iowa State did have one bright spot, Devondrick Nealy’s touchdown run in which he took flight.
The Golden Knights continued to pace the AAC, beating UCONN 62-17. Henceforth, this matchup will be known as the Yukon Gold Cup, because there is absolutely no reason that should not already be the case. The trophy will be a big potato, and it will be made from multiple alloys because gold is expensive.
The Cardinals were in control the entire game, easily beating South Florida 34-3. Since the loss to UCF, the Cardinals have effectively been relegated to being a big fish in a small pond team, as was their destiny. They’re just playing out the string.
21. Northern Illinois
Continuing to dominate MACtion, the Huskies beat Eastern Michigan 59-20. Were it a real thing, this win would put Northern Illinois in pole position to win the Directional Cup.
Wisconsin took the week off to refinance some mortgages. They play Iowa on Saturday.
Michigan took the week off to read up on Athenian tactics. They play Michigan State Saturday.
24. Michigan State
The Spartans’ defense was fantastic once again, and Michigan State easily beat Illinois 42-3. They intend to play the role of Sparta against Michigan next week.
25. Arizona State
The Sun Devils took the week off because that’s what devils do before Halloween. They play Washington State on Halloween night.
Also receiving votes: The Battle for Nevada, logos on thigh pads, Rece Davis: street racer, this pretty great punt return, Johnny Football sticking his tongue out, whistles from the stands, a 4’9” running back, shutting the band up, Abilene Christian’s near-Hail Mary, aggression.
Photo via Getty