Each week, we’ll bring you the AP’s college football rankings, and throw in our patented mix of bitchy sarcastic analysis and incredibly premature snap judgments. Let’s get to Week 10!
1. Alabama (52)
The Crimson Tide took the week off, because the NCAA mandates they do so a few times during the season. They play LSU Saturday.
2. Oregon (2)
The Ducks took the week off to meet the goblins who make their uniforms every week. They play Stanford on Thursday.
3. Florida State (6)
The Seminoles were once again dominant, pulling away in the second half to beat Miami 41-14. Although they picked up four first place votes, Jameis Winston squinted, so their net gain was zero.
4. Ohio State
The Buckeyes were not in any way tested this week, beating Purdue 56-0 because Purdue is straight garbage. After the game, Braxton Miller acknowledged that he does not know or care what a boilermaker is.
The Bears took the week off to play video games and see what a tough defense looks like. They play Oklahoma on Thursday.
The Cardinal took the week off to prepare for Oregon on Thursday, because that seems to be the trend this week.
The Tigers were not bothered by Arkansas’ trick plays, emerging with a 35-17 victory. They appear to have faked injuries during the game, something I sincerely hope they do during the Iron Bowl.
The Tigers once again steamrolled a weak team, beating Virginia 59-10. This is in no way changes anything we know about Clemson.
The Tigers got back on track this week, as teams tend to do against Tennessee, winning 31-1. There are too many Tigers.
The Tigers (see??) took the week off because Les Miles loves handing out yogurt raisins on Halloween. They play Alabama on Saturday.
11. Texas A&M
The Aggies went out of conference this week, beating UTEP 57-7. After the game, Johhny Football said he recently saw The Counselor and was too terrified of El Paso’s criminal underworld to play poorly.
The Sooners took the week off because Bob Stoops grew indignant that they were playing every week. They play Baylor on Thursday.
13. South Carolina
Behind Connor Shaw’s four touchdown passes, the Gamecocks were never really in danger and beat Mississippi State 34-16. Perhaps Bulldogs quarterback Dak Prescott, who had four turnovers in the game, should go back to the Outer Rim.
14. Miami (FL)
The Hurricanes were competitive with Florida State for a half, but ultimately fell 41-14. With the Florida Cup once again slipping through Miami’s fingers, despair has returned to Coral Gables.
15. Oklahoma State
The Cowboys let Texas Tech linger, but eventually beat them 52-34. Ultimately, the game was inconsequential, because State and Tech were filming a commercial featuring generic football rivals.
The Bruins got back in the win column this week, beating Colorado 45-23 in a game that was never close. They will continue to linger but not factor in any serious discussion about anything.
17. Fresno State
Derek Carr set the single-game passing record with 487 yards and the Bulldogs beat Nevada 41-23. Despite being 8-0, the Bulldogs get no respect because Fresno is an unpleasant place.
18. Michigan State
With their defense once again leading the way, the Spartans beat Michigan 29-6. With the victory, they will receive the Paul Bunyan Trophy, an 1,800 pound blue ox.
The Golden Knights took the week off to find some new golden squires for the practice squad. They play Houston on Saturday.
The Cardinals took the week off, not that it really matters. They play Connecticut on Friday.
The Badgers slogged through their game with Iowa, eventually pulling away for a 28-9 victory. They will, of course, receive the Heartland Trophy for their victory, a bronzed bushel of corn.
22. Northern Illinois
The Huskies waltzed into Foxboro (not Amherst, strangely) and beat UMass 63-19. With the blowout loss to a potential BCS Buster, the Minuteman program has ascended to new heights.
23. Arizona State
The Sun Devils beat Washington State 55-21 on Halloween, as if there was any other way that could have played out.
24. Notre Dame
In a rivalry game that is traditionally marked more by respect than antagonism, the Fighting Irish were just able to get past Navy, winning 38-34. If they were really committed to friendly cooperation, they would play this game as “The Irish.”
25. Texas Tech
The Red Raiders were competitive, but ultimately were not good enough against Oklahoma State, falling 52-34. On the bright side, the game was played in Lubbock, which had an excellent Mars costume for Halloween.
Also receiving votes: The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party, Case McCoy things, not taking the Thundering Herd seriously, this ridiculous Nebraska Hail Mary, whatever’s going on with Carl Pelini, anonymity in Eugene, not Purdue.
Photo via Getty