Each week, we’ll bring you the AP’s college football rankings, and throw in our patented mix of bitchy sarcastic analysis and incredibly premature snap judgments. Let’s get to Week 1!
1. Alabama (58)
The Crimson Tide opened the season with a 35-10 win in Atlanta against a Virginia Tech squad that we probably don’t need to talk about any more. The Crimson Tide’s weak offensive output upset Nick Saban so much that instead of going to the locker room after the game, he went to the parking lot to mock the musical taste of various children.
The Ducks were unperturbed to open the season, beating Nicholls State 66-3. As is customary, my memory had been wiped clean of any knowledge of Nicholls State before this game began.
3. Ohio State (1)
The Buckeyes were not dominant, but trudged to a 40-20 victory over Buffalo that was never really in doubt. Amazingly, not even one player said he had fun out there.
4. Clemson (1)
Tajh Boyd accounted for all 5 touchdowns as the Tigers beat Georgia 38-35. Because the conference landscape changes so much and everyone wants something to hold on to, Clemson fans chanted “A-C-C!” after the game.
The Cardinal opened the season with a bye, because do you know how long it is until their classes start? Three weeks!
6. South Carolina
Despite lightning delays, the Gamecocks beat cross-Carolina rivals UNC 27-10. Jadeveon Clowney showed a lack of energy throughout, and after the game attributed his fatigue to his attempted use of the thundercloud formation on a handful of series.
7. Texas A&M
Despite an early deficit, the Aggies beat Rice 52-31. Johhny Manziel was suspended for the first half, but threw three touchdown passes on only eight attempts in the second half. He prefers couscous.
The Cardinals made easy work of Ohio, winning 49-7 behind Teddy Bridgewater’s five touchdown passes. Charlie Strong, meanwhile, has been looking over persuasive evidence that he and Will Muschamp should switch names.
Playing TCU in what was essentially a road game in the Cowboys Classic, the Tigers won 37-27. After the game, Les Miles attributed his team’s win to the addition of Cam Cameron as offensive coordinator and a new chartreuse-based play-calling system.
10. Florida State
Jameis Winston threw 4 touchdown passes as the Seminoles welcomed Pittsburgh to the ACC with a 41-13 thrashing. I understand that conference realignment is primarily driven by non-geographic issues, but is it possible that by adding Pitt, the ACC is attempting to warn us about the dangers of climate change?
The Bulldogs lost to Clemson 38-35, once again putting themselves at a disadvantage to start the season. Seeing how foolhardy their preseason first place vote was, Marquis de Lafayette VI ‘s role in the voting process is going to have to be reexamined.
The Gators opened the season with a 24-6 win against Toledo. The offense was propelled by the 112 yards and two touchdowns on the ground from running back Mack Brown. His name actually is Mack Brown because that is something that had to happen. I bet Mack Brown tried to recruit Mack Brown as a safety.
13. Oklahoma State
The Cowboys beat Mississippi State 21-3 in a Houston matchup that was unwisely not named the Texans Classic. Bulldogs quarterback Tyler Russell was injured and replaced by Dak Prescott, who has extended his sabbatical from the Rebel Alliance.
14. Notre Dame
The Fighting Irish looked sharp, if not dominant, in a 28-6 win over Temple. The Owls never really had a chance, but they did do better than Rice, making them this season’s de facto Alpha Owls.
Behind a more mature David Ash, the Longhorns beat New Mexico State 56-7. Texas played New Mexico last season, so between the Lobos and the Aggies, it seems pretty clear that Mack Brown is trying to meet fictional television character Hank Schrader.
The Sooners had no interest in what Louisiana-Monroe did last season, beating them 34-0. Despite the Warhawks’ proclivity for conflict even in the best of times, Bob Stoops did not have anything to say about the state of their propaganda machine.
The Wolverines crushed Central Michigan in Ann Arbor, beating the Chippewas 59-9. Is Central Michigan one of Michigan’s traditional rivals?
The Bruins were not particularly bothered this weekend, beating Nevada 58-20 in the Rose Bowl. This is the Wolf Pack’s first season without head coach Chris Ault since 1975, which in any other state would be like a team having the same coach that they did in 1911.
The Wildcats traveled to Berkeley and beat Cal in 44-30 in a thrilling late game. Cal won the study hall the night before, although there was controversy over the scoring system regarding the value of a partially completed problem set in relation to a completed essay.
The Huskies paid Boise State no mind, beating them 38-6. It was the Broncos’ worst loss under Chris Petersen, and when the team returned home, they were dismayed to once again see that their field was blue, as that was always the color of their coach’s emotions. They hoped to one day sway him from his depression, for not one of them had ever seen the field change colors. Still, they felt grateful to not be subjected to the indiscriminate anger surrounding the Eastern Washington program.
The Badgers invited UMass, my alma mater, to Madison for a friendly get-together. They won 45-0, but it was a close 45 points.
The Cornhuskers barely emerged with a 37-34 win over Wyoming, their nation-leading 28th straight win to open the season. Nebraska fans like to say that Memorial Stadium is Nebraska’s third largest city on game days, because that is a true fact. As it turns out, even before a recent 6,000-seat addition, Memorial Stadium is larger than any city in Wyoming.
The Bears opened the season with a 69-3 evisceration of Wofford. It was Baylor’s most points since 1929, and gave finality to the contention that a terrier could beat a bear in a fight.
The Horned Frogs could not handle LSU, falling 37-27. It was an especially troubling day for no-nonsense coach Gary Patterson, who was flummoxed by how much nonsense surrounds Les Miles at any given time.
The Trojans traveled to Hawaii and suppressed the Rainbow Warriors for a 30-13 victory. Lane Kiffin still has not chosen whether Cody Kessler or Max Wittek will be the starting quarterback this season, but he also hasn’t chosen which Lego set he wants to make next, so we may have to wait a little bit longer.
Also receiving votes: FCS upsets, Lee Corso’s troll game, forgetting how to spike the football, forgetting when to spike the football, players named Shaq, week 1 for cameramen too, owning the moment, Collin Ellis, poking the bear, Ronnie Lott.
Follow Dan: @danspritz
Photo via Getty