Each week, we’ll bring you the AP’s college football rankings, and throw in our patented mix of bitchy sarcastic analysis and incredibly premature snap judgments. Let’s get to Week 2!
1. Alabama (57)
The Crimson Tide took the week off so Nick Saban could catch up on The Newsroom. His third love, behind his family and coaching ‘em up, but ahead of belittling children, is Sloan-Don shipping.
2. Oregon (1)
The Ducks beat Virginia 59-10 in Charlottesville, because my goodness are they fast. How long until Oregon’s uniforms allude to their opponents? Wouldn’t it have been awesome if their uniforms included scabbards this week?
3. Clemson (1)
The Tigers were not impressed this week, beating South Carolina State 52-13. Since this season began, a We The People petition to officially change the school’s name to South Cackalack University has gained over 8,500 signatures. Seems like it’s their year.
4. Ohio State (1)
Despite an early injury to Braxton Miller, the Buckeyes made short work of San Diego State, winning 42-7. When asked about the Aztecs after the game, Urban Meyer said he was intrigued by their sacrificial practices. When told that the question was about the football team he had just played, Meyer turned and walked away.
The Cardinal beat San Jose State 34-13, proving once again that, despite the geography, these schools are very far apart. In fact, San Jose State might be a high school.
6. Texas A&M
The Aggies beat Sam Houston State 65-28 behind 714 yards of total offense. As it turns out, Johnny Manziel has a lot in common with the real Sam Houston, who was nearly ruled ineligible for the War of 1812 after his commanding officer bought him a musket.
The Cardinals were untested once again, beating Eastern Kentucky 44-7. After the game, Papa John was seen throwing pizzas at EKU fans.
Zach Mettenberger threw a school-record 5 touchdown passes as LSU beat UAB 56-17. Les Miles was displeased to learn after the game that Alabama can support more than two schools, that UAB does not belong to either Alabama or Auburn, and that this would not be considered a conference victory.
Reversing recent trends, the Bulldogs beat South Carolina 41-30. Aaron Murray led Georgia with 4 touchdown passes and 309 yards, titillating all of the CFL scouts in attendance.
10. Florida State
The Seminoles took the week off because racist caricatures aren’t going to just sustain themselves. They play Nevada on Saturday.
The Wolverines ended their last scheduled home game with Notre Dame on a high note, winning 41-30 behind Devin Gardner’s five total touchdowns. After the game, Brady Hoke cited Eminem’s possible genius as his team’s primary motivation.
12. Oklahoma State
The Cowboys traveled to the Alamodome, beating Texas-San Antonio 56-35. The Roadrunners never really had a chance in this game, mostly because it was drawn up by storyboard artists 60 years ago.
13. South Carolina
The Gamecocks fell 41-30 to Georgia in a game that was so intense, Carolina coaches were fighting on the sidelines. It was an especially disappointing loss for Jadeveon Clowney, whose father, Zeus Clowney, made a very long trip to be in the stands
The Sooners beat West Virginia 16-7 in a shockingly anemic clash. After the game, Bob Stoops attempted to convince assembled media members of his confidence in quarterback Trevor Knight by saying his favorite movie is A Knight’s Tale. While no one needed convincing about Stoops’ movie taste, Knight’s job is still considered very shaky.
15. Miami (FL)
The Hurricanes beat Florida 21-16, capitalizing on the Gators’ 5 turnovers. They are ranked for the first time since 2010, and have almost certainly reacted with humility and restraint.
The Bruins took the week off to jeer the last ranked team Lane Kiffin will ever coach. They play Nebraska on Saturday.
In the de facto Journalism Bowl, Northwestern beat Syracuse 48-27. All of the Wildcats players are excited to eat oranges again this week.
The Gators lost to Miami 21-16 despite nearly doubling the Hurricanes’ yardage and time of possession. After the game, Will Muschamp said his team would have a lot to work on when they returned to Florida.
The Huskies took the week off because they wanted to, okay? They play Illinois on Saturday.
The Badgers beat Tennessee Tech 48-0, opening the season with consecutive shutouts for the first time since 1958. Back then, Wisconsin was known for large lineman, methodical play, a power running game, and a rotating stable of slow running backs.
21. Notre Dame
The Fighting Irish lost to Michigan in front of a record crowd of 115,109 at the Big House. Amazingly, Pope Francis weighed in on this game, asking, “Why does Michigan wear such silly hats? Also, what is a zone blitz?”
The Bears beat the Buffalo Bulls 70-13 in their traditional Stock Market Showdown. Analysts do not predict that this game will have any effect on the Dow Jones Industrial Average.
After barely beating Wyoming last week, the Cornhuskers routed Southern Miss 56-13. Nebraska was led by ninth-year quarterback Taylor Martinez, who petitions the NCAA for additional eligibility every season on the grounds that he is, “A quintessentially flawed college quarterback.” He’s college football’s perfect placeholder.
The Horned Frogs followed last week’s loss to LSU with a 38-17 win over Southeastern Louisiana. Defensive end Devonte Fields, who has started the season with a two game suspension, played the second half of this game, meaning he has half a game remaining on his suspension. Is it possible Gary Patterson doesn’t understand the function suspensions serve?
25. Ole Miss
The Rebels beat Southeast Missouri State 31-13, scoring all of their points in the first half. They would appreciate it if you don’t notify other SEC schools that they are ranked.
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