Each week, we’ll bring you the AP’s college football rankings, and throw in our patented mix of bitchy sarcastic analysis and incredibly premature snap judgments. Let’s get to Week 14!
1. Florida State (58)
The Seminoles had little trouble with Florida, winning 37-7. Luckily for Florida State, the Gators keep running into each other.
2. Ohio State
The Buckeyes survived a Michigan 2-point conversion attempt in the final minute to win The Game 42-41. With a fight and a lot of weirdness, this game was most assuredly the second best rivalry game of the weekend.
3. Auburn (2)
The Tigers advanced to the SEC Championship with a 28-21 win over Texas A&M. Even though both teams have natural rivals, the SEC’s going to force this rivalry to happen, because that’s how rivalries work.
6. Oklahoma State
The Cowboys took the week off for Thanksgiving. Duh. They play Oklahoma in Bedlam next Saturday.
With two interceptions in the fourth quarter, the Cardinal held Notre Dame off for a 27-20 win. The winner in this rivalry receives the Legends Trophy, because Notre Dame is never not full of itself.
8. South Carolina
The Gamecocks, capping off a tumultuous regular season, beat Clemson 31-17 in the Battle of the Palmetto State. In the future, as Mark Titus has suggested, this and all non-conference rivalries should give home field advantage to the previous year’s winner.
The Bears beat TCU 41-38, but they did not do so with class. While playing a violent game that is meant to simulate war, it’s important to have appropriate decorum at all times.
10. Michigan State
In an exceptionally B1G game, the Spartans beat Minnesota 14-3 to complete a perfect in-conference regular season. They’ll represent entropy against Ohio State in the Big Ten Championship.
11. Arizona State
The Sun Devils were not bothered by Arizona, winning the Territorial Cup 58-21. As punishment, every Wildcats player needs to keep a cup on his person at all times until the rivalry is renewed next season.
The Ducks needed a touchdown reception from Josh Huff in the final minute, but they were able to beat Oregon State 36-35 in The Civil War. If they were truly civil, these teams would share Thanksgiving and only have two uncomfortable conversations about Kanye. Instead, they bonded over bold colors.
The Tigers, remaining adjacent to greatness, lost to South Carolina 31-17. The loss leaves Tajh Boyd 0-4 against the Gamecocks, a statistic that leaves no room for nuance or explanation.
With a touchdown in the last 1:15, the Tigers were able to beat Arkansas 31-27 in the Battle for the Golden Boot. Given the spirit of the season, I’m thankful for Les Miles.
The Golden Knights were able to beat USF 23-20 and keep their BCS hopes alive. This rivalry is known as the I-4 Corridor Clash and not, as I had assumed, The Tussle For The Malaise Cup.
16. Northern Illinois
Jordan Lynch ran for 321 yards, breaking his own FBS record for a quarterback, as the Huskies beat Western Michigan 33-14 to seal their first undefeated season in 50 years. It speaks to the state of American’s directional universities that this was a more compelling game than Michigan-Illinois would be.
The Bruins won the Victory Bell definitively, beating USC 35-14. After the game, Brett Hundley remarked that “UCLA runs L.A. now.” The Bruins will begin financing every movie early next year.
The Sooners also took the week off to prepare for Bedlam on Saturday. It is possible that they took the week off for Thanksgiving as well.
The Cardinals took the week off to see if anyone would notice. They play Cincinnati Thursday.
The Blue Devils continued their improbable season, beating North Carolina 27-25. Coach K, who has been especially curmudgeonly lately, was not pleased that a basketball rivalry was being co-opted by the football team.
Penn State surprised the Badgers, winning 31-24 and ending Wisconsin’s hopes for a BCS bowl. Even worse, the upset was so surprising that the post-game pies in the Badger locker room were untouched. Even the pecan.
22. Texas A&M
Johnny Football was held in check as the Aggies lost to Missouri 28-21. Kevin Sumlin received a contract extension before the game, contingent on his ability to recruit Johnny Footballs for the foreseeable future.
The Longhorns easily beat Texas Tech 41-16, keeping their conference championship hopes alive. Whether a Big 12 Championship would be enough to save Mack Brown’s job is up to the Board of Regents, the mysterious panel of lizard men that apparently makes every important decision for major state universities.
24. Fresno State
In a bonkers shootout, the Bulldogs lost their first game of the year 62-52 to San Jose State. It is not wise to play the Spartans when they wear their Hanukkah uniforms.
Behind Todd Gurley’s strong rushing, the Bulldogs overcame a 20-0 deficit to beat Georgia Tech 41-34 in double overtime. This rivalry is known as Clean, Old Fashioned Hate because modern hate is too soft a concept for football.
Also receiving votes: The Egg Bowl, Heroes Trophy, Shula Bowl, the Apple Cup, Washington State’s no bowl ticket file, the Sunflower Showdown, the Old Oaken Bucket, the Commonwealth Cup, the Land of Lincoln Trophy, Bo Pelini acting like a caricature, sympathy for Cade Foster, Christine Brennan being stupid again, the Georgia equipment truck, looking out for mascots, going all out on the punt, the Illinois student section, Terrapin Pride I guess, Charles Barkley doing shots, Auburn’s sewing machine.
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