NCAA Football

College Football Top 25: Incredibly Premature Snap Judgments For Each Team!

Each week, we’ll bring you the AP’s college football rankings, and throw in our patented mix of bitchy sarcastic analysis and way-too-early observations. Enjoy!

1.         Alabama (58 first-place votes)

The Crimson Tide continued to embarrass their opponents, beating a Tyler-Wilson-less Arkansas squad 52-0 in Fayetteville. Nick Saban could not get over AJ McCarron’s 5 incompletions, though, and is only going to allow him to drink whole milk during practice this week.

2.         LSU (2)

The Tigers romped against Idaho 63-14, elevating themselves into second place and potentially setting up a national championship rematch with Alabama. When asked to comment on this possibility, Les Miles responded with a non sequitur about tractor pulling before grabbing some fresh sod for his midday snack.

3.         Oregon

The Ducks also won 63-14, beating an equally hapless Tennessee Tech squad. Play was briefly stopped in the first quarter after it was revealed that DeAnthony Thomas had vitrified the ground beneath his feet during his 59-yard touchdown run.

4.         Florida State

The Seminoles beat Wake Forest 52-0 behind Chris Thompson’s 197 rushing yards and 2 touchdowns in the first 20 minutes. Thompson broke his back against the Demon Deacons last year, and this game could not have been more of an improvement. Although he is a senior, my statistical models predict that were he to play against Wake Forest next year, he would annex the entire state of North Carolina.

5.         Georgia

The Bulldogs beat FAU 56-20 thanks to a school-record 713 yards of total offense. In their three games this season against Buffalo, Missouri, and FAU, Georgia has given up 23, 20, and 20 points. Their defense is incomprehensibly average.

6.         Oklahoma

The Sooners didn’t play because their DVRs were filled with summer finales they had yet to watch. They play Kansas State Saturday.

7.         South Carolina

The Gamecocks beat UAB 49-6 in what Steve Spurrier called, “One of the closest 49-6 games I have ever been around.” Quarterback Connor Shaw reinjured his throwing shoulder, pressing backup Dylan Thompson into service for the second straight week. The door remains open for a quarterback controversy, which means the Ol’ Ball Coach gets to play more Ol’ Mind Games with his quarterbacks. He is a menace.

8.         West Virginia

The Mountaineers beat James Madison 42-12 behind 411 passing yards and 5 touchdowns from Geno Smith. The rout has been attributed in many circles to Dana Holgorsen’s hatred of president James Madison, whom Holgorsen believes is the second worst leader or country has ever had, behind only James Buchanan.

9.         Stanford

The Cardinal controlled the game with USC by dominating line play on offense and defense en route to a 21-14 win. When reached for comment, Andrew Luck probably said something incredibly nerdy.

10.      Clemson

The return of Sammy Watkins brought not hellfire but a 58-yard Watkins touchdown run as the Tigers beat Furman 41-7. Furman is known as the Paladins, who were Charlemagne’s elite fighting force. In theory that’s no different than naming your team the Trojans… but no one cares about Carolingians.

11.      Notre Dame

The Fighting Irish exerted their will against Michigan State, winning 20-3 and holding the Spartans to 237 total yards. The win established Notre Dame as a possible BCS contender for the first time since at least 2006. When reached for comment, Pope Benedict XVI expressed concern about Everett Golson’s ability to read zone coverages.

12.      Texas

The Longhorns beat Ole Miss 66-31 thanks to strong performers across the board on offense. It is the most points the Rebels have given up since 1917, when they were known as Miss.

13.      USC

The Trojans were roughed up on both of sides of the ball, losing to Stanford 21-14. On the bright side, they’re not named after Carolingians.

14.      Florida

The Gators greeted Tennessee’s return to relevance with the reminder that you need to play through the final whistle, scoring the game’s last 24 points en route to a 37-20 win. They presumably imparted other football clichés as well, but that information has not yet been volunteered. (I’ll show myself out).

15.      Kansas State

The Wildcats were sloppy in a 35-21 win over the North Texas Mean [Joe] Green[e].  Thanks to another (looks through list of non-hyperbolic football adjectives, finds nothing suitable) valiant effort from Collin Klein, Kansas State was never in serious jeopardy. This kind of performance may or not be enough against Oklahoma Saturday, depending on whether the Sooners are in fact terrible or amazing. Lots of uncertainty in the Big 12.

16.      Ohio State

Despite Cal out-possessing them by almost ten minutes, the Buckeyes survived for a 35-28 win thanks to 75 yards (1 touchdown) on the ground and 249 yards (4 touchdowns) through the air from Braxton Miller. Along with his continued renaissance man play on the field, Miller drove the team bus, handled the team’s hotel reservations, and spent time with Urban Meyer’s family as Meyer’s proxy.

17.      TCU

The Horned Frogs dejectedly played their first conference game, because the Big 12 told them they had to. They beat Kansas 20-6, but no one on the team was allowed to smile.

18.      Michigan

The Wolverines beat UMass 63-13 because of superior talent and execution in every phase of the game. When these teams played 2 years ago, Michigan won by 5. UMass has since become an FBS school, which means their program is making some sort of bizarre, sideways progress.

19.      UCLA

The Bruins ran circles around Houston, winning 37-6. The Cougars needed an 86-yard run in the last 5 minutes to avoid their first shutout in 12 years. Don’t start saying that UCLA is better than USC, though. That would make you a troll.

20.      Louisville

The Cardinals held on for a 39-34 win over UNC despite nearly squandering a 36-7 halftime lead. This was especially welcome news in the week that Teddy Bridgewater announced his intention to run as an independent presidential candidate, because America deserves a leader named “Bridgewater.”

21.      Michigan State

Notre Dame shut the Spartans down, emerging with a decisive 20-3 victory. Wunderkind Le’Veon Bell was held to 77 yards and no touchdowns, having already relinquished his video game running ability to Chris Thompson.

22.      Arizona

The Wildcats rode an up-tempo offense and a stifling defense to a 56-0 win over South Carolina State. Why did Arizona make the Bulldogs travel cross-country to get stomped, though? Surely they could have found an FBS patsy closer to home.

23.      Mississippi State

The Bulldogs launched themselves into the rankings with… a 30-24 win over Troy? Mississippi State was outgained 572-457, and the fact they are ranked feels like an aberration. All attempts to start “S-E-C!” chants during this game were met with derisive laughter.

24.      Boise State

The Broncos didn’t play this weekend because Boise is beautiful this time of year. They play BYU Thursday night.

25.      Nebraska

The Cornhuskers beat Arkansas State 42-13 behind a career high 167 rushing yards and 2 touchdowns from backup running back Ameer Abdullah. Also, Bo Pelini was taken to the hospital for some tests. We wish him the best.

Also receiving votes: Kenny Chesney, Matt Barkley epitomizing dejection in the postgame interview, BYU’s holder’s premature celebration, Penn State winning, War Hawks, Notre Dame’s national relevance, Tyler Wilson’s leadership abilities,Virginia Tech pancake blocks, skipping Miami games.

Getty photo, by Ezra Shaw

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