NCAA Football

College Football Top 25: Incredibly Premature Snap Judgments On Each Team

Each week, we’ll bring you the AP’s college football rankings, and throw in our patented mix of bitchy sarcastic analysis and way-too-early observations. Enjoy!

1.         Alabama (59 first-place votes)

The Crimson Tide beat Florida Atlantic 40-7 because they field many future NFL players and the Owls do not. Nevertheless, Nick Saban was apoplectic about the fourth quarter touchdown his team surrendered, which was partially a result of an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty on the bench for stepping too far onto the field. As such, he has removed all benches from the team’s practice facility and has banned sitting in any situation while at the practice facility.

2.         Oregon

The Ducks beat briefly-ranked Arizona 49-0 thanks to a stifling defense and 260 passing yards from Marcus Mariota. “He really pushed his chips all in,” said Chip Kelly, who’s been searching for a catchphrase for months.

3.         LSU (1)

The Tigers eked past Auburn 12-10 despite scoring only 3 points after the first quarter. “We had them right where wanted them,” said Les Miles, who inexplicably turned his clothes inside-out after the game.

4.         Florida State

The Seminoles survived an early deficit and scored 35 second-half points to beat Clemson 49-37. EJ Manuel threw for 380 yards while rushing for 102 more, prompting people to ask, “What does EJ stand for?”

5.         Georgia

The Bulldogs were not bothered by Vanderbilt, easily winning 48-3. Quarterback Aaron Murray completed his first 12 passes, and displayed a remarkably nuanced knowledge of naval terminology after the game, saying, “They looked more like flotilla admirals, amirite?” Defensive end Abry Jones then clarified that he was, in fact, right.

6.         South Carolina

Finding Aaron Murray’s performance unsatisfactory, Connor Shaw completed his final 20 passes as the Gamecocks easily dispatched Missouri 31-10. On top of that, Ace Sanders made the Missouri kicking team look like children. Things aren’t going well for the Tigers in the SEC.

7.         Kansas State

The Wildcats pushed Oklahoma around and emerged with a not-that-surprising 24-19 upset win. After the game, 72-year-old coach Bill Snyder proclaimed that his team had beaten the Sooners “Gangnam Style,” causing eight of his players to vomit from shame.

8.         Stanford

The Cardinal declined to play American football this weekend because they’re nerds. They play Washington Thursday night.

9.         West Virginia

The Mountaineers did not play particularly well, beating Maryland 31-21 thanks in large part to Tavon Austin’s 13 receptions for 179 yards and 3 touchdowns. It was a surprisingly subdued effort from the rest of the offense, but to their credit it can be very hard to see in a whiteout.

10.      Notre Dame

The Fighting Irish continued their ascent back to relevance by beating Michigan 13-6. Their defense this season has been stifling, and they forced six Michigan turnovers in all. When reached for comment, Pope Benedict XVI said, “No surprise. Denard Robinson is soooo overrated. Talk to me if they beat Stanford or USC.”

11.      Florida

After a quiet first quarter, the Gators scored three touchdowns in the second quarter and easily dispatched Kentucky 38-0. After the game, Kentucky head coach Joker Phillips quipped, “I guess that’s why the chicken crossed the road,” revealing just how ironic his nickname is.

12.      Texas

The Longhorns didn’t play this weekend because they heard Montreal was attracting a lot of live music and got really worried about Austin’s status as an indie hotbed. They play Oklahoma State Saturday.

13.      USC

The Trojans responded to last week’s loss against Stanford with a solid 27-9 win over California.And they did it without in any way act like assholes, because Lane Kiffin is a really solid guy.

14.      Ohio State

Braxton Miller threw for 143 yards and rushed for 64 yards and 2 touchdowns en route to the Buckeyes’ 29-15 win over UAB. Never content to simply be productive, Miller decided to delight us with this dipsy-do through the defense.

15.      TCU

Disgusted by the level of play in the Big 12, the Horned Frogs went back out of conference and beat Virginia 27-7. Kenny Cain had two interceptions and a fumble recovery, and it was the team’s 11th straight win, but they still ultimately found it unfulfilling.

16.      Oklahoma

With Oklahoma threatening to score a touchdown and take a 10-7 lead early in the second quarter, Kansas State recovered a fumble by quarterback Blake Bell (a.k.a. the Belldozer). Later attempts to incorporate the Pyledriver, the Compact Rexcavator, and super-tall receiver Bobby Crane were unsuccessful.

17.      Clemson

Despite pressing the previously untested Florida State defense, the Tigers ultimately fell 49-37.  Star receiver Sammy Watkins, who had a rushing touchdown last week, continued to score in manners unbecoming his position by throwing a 52-yard touchdown pass to Andre Ellington. Next week he hopes to record both a safety and a rouge.

18.      Oregon State

The Beavers upset UCLA 27-20 behind Sean Mannion’s 379 passing yards and 2 touchdowns. It helps set up what should be an exciting and important Civil War game on November 24th, something I’m sure Stonewall Jackson never thought about.

19.      Louisville

Despite a tough game, Teddy Bridgewater threw for 2 touchdowns and ran for another as the Cardinals beat Florida International 28-21. Unfortunately, Bridgewater’s presidential campaign took a hit this week when a tape emerged in which he said that 47 percent of the country doesn’t believe the Big East is a real conference and will thus never vote for him. The other 53 percent of respondents did not know enough about college football to answer the question.

20.      Michigan State

The Spartans continued their dominance over the rest of the state’s FBS programs, beating Eastern Michigan 23-7 thanks to 253 rushing yards from Le’Veon Bell. They went looking for Western Michigan again, but the Broncos hid behind a painting, looking out through the painting’s eyes until the Spartans had passed.

21.      Mississippi State

The Bulldogs didn’t look great, but they emerged with a 30-10 win over South Alabama. The Jaguars are often referred to as USA, making this the weekend’s most treasonous matchup.

22.      Nebraska

The Cornhuskers beat Idaho State 73-7, and now I’m wondering if there’s any honor in college football.

23.      Rutgers

Gary Nova threw for a career-high 397 yards and five touchdowns as Rutgers beat a zombified Arkansas squad 35-26. The Scarlet Knights are now 4-0, while the Razorbacks should probably pack the season up.

24.      Boise State

Critics of the Broncos say they’ve lost the magic, but their 7-6 win over BYU proves that they are still masters of trickery. They won despite getting all of their points on a pick-six from a defensive tackle, which is the greatest accomplishment of Chris Petersen’s career.

25.      Baylor

The Bears beat Louisiana-Monroe, America’s darling, 47-42 thanks to 351 passing yards and 4 touchdowns from Nick Florence. The War Hawks unveiled a 2-quarterback offense, which delights me to end. It is my dream that one day a team will field an offense with five linemen and six fleet-footed quarterbacks.

Also receiving votes: Taylor Heinicke, Catholicism, Ricky Carmichael, Louisiana-Monroe, Bobby Petrino, the state of Oregon, elite ACC football.

Getty photo, by Brett Deering