NCAA Football

College Football Top 25: Nice Knowin’ Ya, Texas

Each week, we’ll bring you the AP’s college football rankings, and throw in our patented mix of bitchy sarcastic analysis and incredibly premature snap judgments. Enjoy!

1.         Alabama (60)

The Crimson Tide beat Missouri 42-10. As the game wound down, Nick Saban was preparing to light into his defense for surrendering 10 points. Then he saw LaMichael Fanning’s hit, and couldn’t stop beaming.

2.         Oregon

The Ducks took the week off for an expedition to South America to find ever more reflective materials for their uniforms. They play Arizona State Thursday.

3.         Florida

The Gators beat Vanderbilt 31-17 thanks in large part to quarterback Jeff Driskel’s 177 yards and three touchdowns on the ground. Driskel broke Tim Tebow’s record of 166 yards rushing by a quarterback, causing an identity crisis in Gainesville. Counselors have been dispatched.

4.         Kansas State

The Wildcats beat Iowa State 27-21, which is all well and good, but I was dismayed to learn that the “K. Klein” on Kansas State’s sideline is not “Kollin Klein” or “Kansas Klein”. Damn you Kyle Klein!

5.         Notre Dame

Thanks in large part to this (maybe?) goal-line stand, the Irish beat Stanford 20-13 to remain undefeated. When reached for comment, Pope Benedict XVI donned sunglasses and said, “Sounds like a… Cardinal sin!” then played the CSI: Miami intro on YouTube. The guy’s got jokes.

6.         LSU

Showing once again that they are almost unbeatable in home night games, the Tigers defeated South Carolina 23-21 thanks in large part to Jeremy Hill’s 124 rushing yards and two touchdowns. When asked why Hill had barely played before this game, Les Miles said, “I too am an old ball coach, and I am bound by the Old Ball Coach Code.” Further questions were met with blank stares.

7.         Ohio State

Braxton Miller passed for 211 yards and two touchdowns while rushing for 149 yards and one touchdown, as the Buckeyes got past Indiana 52-49. He has displayed this versatility all season, but perhaps his most unique skill is convincing outsiders that the Big Ten is capable of producing exciting football.

8.         Oregon State

The Beavers beat BYU 42-24 in Provo thanks to 332 yards and three touchdowns from backup quarterback Cody Vaz. It’s the first time Oregon State is 5-0 since World War II, but they weren’t really playing the same game then, were they?

9.         South Carolina

Despite holding multiple leads, the Gamecocks ultimately fell to the Tigers 23-21. The loss drops them to 0-1 in Death Valley games this year. They will end the season at Clemson, and if they lose that game as well it will prove that they do not like death. Bold stance, Spurrier.

10.      Oklahoma

The Sooners absolutely bull rushed Texas 63-21 behind all kinds of amazing running. Regrettably, Bevo heard about this development, trapping Oklahoma in their locker room for nearly an hour after the game.

11.      USC

Behind a game plan that minimized risk, the Trojans beat Washington 24-14 in Seattle. Despite a stellar performance from his defense, after the game Lane Kiffin kept asking why the Huskies aren’t good enough to play in their own stadium.

12.      Florida State

The Seminoles beat Boston College 51-7 because BC is terrible. There are a number of explanations for this result, but the simplest explanation is that BC head coach Frank Spaziani embraces the name Coach Spaz.

13.      Georgia

The Bulldogs didn’t play so they could go to a corn maze to build team chemistry. They play Kentucky Saturday.

14.      Clemson

The Tigers didn’t play because while the offense is into Paul Ryan, the defense is all about Joe Biden. The only way to settle this schism was to take some time and watch the VP debate. They play Virginia Tech Saturday.

15.      Mississippi State

The Bulldogs beat Tennessee 41-31 thanks to 291 yards passing and two touchdowns from Tyler Russell. Apparently unaware of what clichés are, after the game Dan Mullen said, “We say all the time, big-time players make big-time plays in big-time games.” I did not make that quotation up.

16.      Louisville

Despite a lackluster performance, the Cardinals grabbed the momentum from Pittsburgh by scoring the first 21 points of the second half en route to a 45-35 win. Teddy Bridgewater deferred to his running mate Senorise Perry, who ran for 101 yards, four touchdowns, and some questionable hair.

17.      West Virginia

The Mountaineers’ offense never got on track, and West Virginia fell to Texas Tech 49-14. Since the Mountaineers’ defense is so abysmal, a game like this was bound to happen. It just wasn’t Geno Smith’s day.

18.      Texas Tech

Seth Doege threw for 499 yards, six touchdowns, and part of Geno Smith’s soul as the Red Raiders beat West Virginia 49-14. How could the Mountaineers fall this much and still be ahead of Texas Tech? That’s nonsense.

19.      Rutgers

The Scarlet Knights beat Syracuse 23-15 after a blocked field goal and return touchdown early in the third quarter shifted the momentum in their favor. I don’t know what’s going on with their uniforms this season, though. The aesthetic seems to be, “Like Oregon, but terrifying.”

20.      Texas A&M

Based on the rules of football, what Texas did against Louisiana Tech is considered a 59-57 win. They were outscored 41-20 in the second half and, again, gave up 57 points, so I would keep quiet about it. Fittingly, the game showcased A&M’s trademark midseason sloppiness, despite that the game was originally meant to be played August 30^th, but was then postponed by Hurricane Isaac.

21.      Cincinnati

The Bearcats played Fordham for some reason, easily dispatching them 49-17. Their second leading rusher was a man named Ralph David Abernathy IV, who scored one touchdown. Watch out, Teddy Bridgewater.

22.      Stanford

The Cardinal fell to Notre Dame 20-13 after Stepfan Taylor was stopped at the goal line on a play where everyone in the stadium knew what was going to happen. It was a real hard-nosed, smash-mouthed type of game, so refer to it during conversations with people who don’t like the forward pass.

23.      Michigan

The Wolverines beat Illinois 45-0 in the Big House, because they love to beat up on bad teams. Their destiny is to inexplicably get matched up with a 6-6 team in a bowl and then beat them by 49.

24.      Boise State

The Broncos beat Fresno State 20-10 behind 122 yards rushing and one touchdown from D.J. Harper. Even better, with three undefeated Big East teams in the rankings, their decision to start the conference’s western bureau is looking better by the day. Their understanding of geography, however, is still questionable.

25.      Ohio

The Bobcats beat Akron 34-28, earning their first national ranking since 1968. I guess that’s one reason for the nation to turn its attention to Ohio.

Also receiving votes: Vince Vaughn, bumbled PATs, leprechauns, Duke (really), Longhorn fan reactions, the Texas State Fair, the Legends Trophy, BCS rankings, defense, Tim Tebow, Death Valley, Midnight Madness.

Screencap by Tim Burke for 30fps.

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